Feeling:cold (prolly cuz my window's open)
Song:my immortal~evanesence

alright i'm on a ten minute break right now, because today is my study day. i just finished an hour of reviewing physics for the test on tuesday. next up is reading about influence and cults for my ISS 210 class, which shouldn't be too bad i guess. I thought there was going to be a test on Monday, but i guess i was wrong, so that's good.

me and josh went in together on a ps2, so we spent some of last nite playing Madden 2004. It felt good to finally have a system we could call our own. Of course, we did put down $75 each, so it's a bit of a hit to the wallet. It'll be worth it. It damn well better be.

I'm looking forward to going home next weekend, not only because of my parent's anniversary on friday, but because it means we'll be able to hang out with andy and kyle. we're probably going to go to damon's and watch the pistons game, so that'll be cool.

alright well back to the studying now, i'll update later. peac.e

Feeling: funny
Song: one mic~nas

will's sleeping right now, which is a little weird, to say the least. usually he doesn't sleep til the clock reads a.m., so i think this is a sign for quiet time and that i'm supposed to do some homework. maybe i will. after the pistons game.

today was a decent day as far as classes go. I've now determined it's impossible for me to stay awake for 2 hours for my 8am ISS class. I was falling asleep during the first hour, then washed my face during the 5 minute break and struggled to keep my eyes open for the next hour. math was different, i actually stayed awake, but bored. i got another 4.0 on my quiz, which was nice. i guess, i don't even care anymore.

had dinner with the andreas and michelle today after physics. it was the first time i had seen the three of them together since last semester, so it was cool. dinner conversation with them is always interesting, to say the least. the combination of those three always manage to bring a smile to my face.

well, it's 8:30 and i'm talkin to kyle and josh, and for the most part, things couldn't be any better for me. with the exception of a couple things, but they're beyond my control.

Feeling:lazy
Song:for the rest of my life~brian mcknight

yeah maybe i didn't mention it, or maybe it's your fault, i don't know. the important thing is that we don't point fingers. When it says "nothingness" at the bottom, that means i'm not getting any feedback. feedback is a good thing. don't be shy. tell me what's on your mind.

anyway, it snowed about 3 million inches today, give or take about 2,999,993 inches. it got so out of hand that i was beginning to debate whether i should even go to class. well i went, but was about 20 minutes late for my ME class. Once again, let's not point fingers at whose fault it could be. now it's ridiculously windy, so that means drifts. the snow is already up to my friggin knees, i don't like it. i very well may skip ISS tomorrow morning, depending on how i feel. now amy's calling me, so i better talk to her for a little bit.

wow that took a little while, prolly close to 30 minutes. I like talking to her because she's a good listener and always has some good stories to tell, whereas I have nothing. Of course, i'd take talking to liza over amy anyday, but given the current situation, amy's good to talk to. Now don't get me wrong, i'm not using her as a sounding board or somethin- it's just nice talking to a girl other than andrea about stuff going on in my life.

ok, well, i wanted to read a little bit before i went to sleep, so maybe i'll do that. prolly not. good nite.

Feeling:dreary
Song:sail away~david gray

the weekend was uneventful, just went home and hung out with andy and josh saturday night. we ended up playing NCAA gameday for more than a few hours. i'll be going back in a couple weeks for mom and dad's 21st anniversary. I'm planning on setting up a nice dinner for them at a good restaurant, none of that La Shish or buffet crap we always go to. i hate that. they deserve more.

liza called me last nite, and after nearly a week of not hearing her voice, it was welcomed. Early on in the week, i thought i would be able to go without talking to her, but then i got her gift to me and it changed everything. All of the sudden i wanted to talk to her and tell her how much i loved her, how much i appreciated the gift. But, i better get used to the fact that we aren't going to be talking as often. It's for the better, for the both of us and her phone bill.

we're supposed to get 4-7 inches of snow tomorrow, and i just so happen to have 4 classes tomorrow. It's great. No it isn't. I hate it.

Feeling:hate for physics
Song:in hate there is silence

i hate physics with a passion-granted, i waited til almost the last second to do my online problems, but the fact that one problem was so ridiculously hard i used all 12 of my chances is stupid. plus, i think i'm in a pretty bad mood since coming home and realizing theres nothing to do. at least at state i could've done whatever whenever. oh well, tomorrow we're gonna hang out, so it'll be a bit better.

not talking to liza for most of this week has been traumatizing, if anything. i miss talking to her- to be honest, i took it for granted when she called, because it was so often and i didn't realize how hard it was without her. i would give anything just to hear her voice again, or even get an email or something from her. going through withdrawal from the girl you love is like never seeing the sun again, just being bathed in eternal darkness. it hurts.

and to make matters worse, the necklace broke again. the damn string itself is so weak, it broke in completely different spot from the first time. i need to fix it.

Feeling:mixed
Song:this year's love~david gray

i keep sitting down to work on my math homework, but i keep forgetting to do something online- this is one of them. we're now on day 2 of not having talked to liza, and while i am starting to grow used to it, it's still very different and i still find myself thinking about her all the time.

but here's the thing i needed to mention. when i had my atl class last semester, there was this girl named Elissa. she was different from all the other girls, like she was a free spirit, always had a smile on her face, didn't care what other people thought, and she was pretty smart. anyway, just messing around one day, i decided to email her and said "hey." that's it, just "hey." well she didn't respond until like a couple weeks ago (she doesn't have a computer at home, even a cell phone), and since then we've exchanged a couple funny emails:

the first time she emailed me: "hey"
i replied "good lord, it took you long enough. talk to ya in july i guess"
she says "how bout august? im booked through july"
i say "dammit, why do you have to be so damn popular?"

and finally, her last email, which damn near made me piss my pants:
"silly rabbit if only u knew"

WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY? Liza calls me silly rabbit! Elissa decides to call me silly rabbit as well? what a freakin weird coincidence! not to mention the incredible similarities between their names, and the more i think about it, the more i realize they have a lot of common characteristics. well, i'm gonna go lie down and hope this goes away, because it's weirding me out a bit.

oh wait, i can't, i have that math homework. damn.

Feeling:indifferent
Song:precious~jamie foxx

kind of a busy day today- wait, not really. I had my ISS class in the morning followed by math, so that was 3 hours of pretty boring stuff. I was falling asleep in ISS again, so i think i'm gonna have to go to bed earlier than the 1am i did tuesday nite. on the bright side, i got a 4.0 on my calc quiz (easy stuff, just vectors), so hopefully i can keep that up.

the rest of the afternoon i spent in the room, just relaxing and reading my new book. I got through about 10 pages before i fell asleep. I woke up around 3:30 and did some homework, and then amy called me and asked if i wanted to go grab some dinner at applebee's with her and her friend bethany around 7:30. I didn't really feel like going out after my physics class, but i realized that i had stood her up quite a few times, so i said, sure, why the hell not? i went to physics, managed to stay awake, went over to josh's, and amy picked us up from there.

the drive to applebee's was a bit awkward, seeing as how there were five of us crammed in this crappy crappy chevy(?), and i didn't really know bethany or joe, the guy she brought along. He actually lives on the second floor of bailey, but i'd never seen him around before that. He's actually a decent guy, i guess. the drive there was, to say the least, very weird. bethany and amy are pretty normal i guess when it comes to two friends acting really funny like- me and josh do it all the time. bethany isn't the greatest driver, there were more than a few occasions where i thought we were gonna crash. after about 45 minutes of trying to find the damn applebee's, we finally got there, hungry as all hell.

we sat in the smoking section, which wasn't a big fan of, but we were the only people in that section, so it wasn't that bad. i hate the smell of cigarette smoke more than anything, it's disgusting. dinner was pretty uneventful, it actually wasn't too bad in my opinion. everyone seemed to get along prety well, which was nice. i thought about liza more than once during dinner, wishing she were there, wishing we could take our time eating our food (like wendy's), just talking. whatever, i need to take my mind off of her, even though it's damn near impossible.

on the drive back, and i don't know how it started, bethany and joe started telling racist jokes, which were all in good fun, and i didn't mind. but the more jokes they told, the more i started to believe they were serious, which kinda freaked me out. Bethany said, "i know a bunch of sand n***** jokes." alright, that was hittin a bit close to home, so thank god we were right at holden. we got out of the car and couldn't even begin to formulate sentences for what we went through. oh well, it was better than dinner in the cafeteria, that's for sure. would i do it again? yeah, probably, it's not like i had a terrible time. it was just different from the usual. i'm done.

Feeling:loved
Song:slow jamz~twista

this would've been done a half hour earlier, but i got caught up in an R&B mood and decided to listen to a lot of brian mcknight, musiq, and 112. but anyway, today was a crazy day, as far as things related to liza go. i woke up in the morning and got ready to go to my ME class, and once i put my fleece on over my sweatshirt, i felt a bunch of little things fall down my shirt and onto the ground. at first i had no idea what they were, and then, holding back a scream, i realized it was liza's necklace that fell apart. YIKES! so i spent another 5 minutes finding all the beads and put them on my desk, to be repaired when i got back from class. My neck, not to say my entire being, felt strange without the necklace. once i got back from math, i put the beads back on the string, and then tied a really strong knot- and to add a little more security, i added a little bead of glue to make sure the threads hold. it better not fall apart on me again.

after i got back from josh's, i checked the mail and saw that liza's package had finally arrived. I took it up to the room and opened it, first the gift. It was a book entitled Life Of Pi. I wanted to start it tonight, but didn't have the chance, since i have an early class tomorrow and now realize that 5 hours of sleep isn't going to cut it. Just from reading the back, i could tell it was going to be an interesting story. The card liza got me was beautiful, and i'll put it on display right on my desk, and most likely read it every night. yeah right, it'll be more like every time i'm sitting at the desk. I love how she spelled "rabbit" wrong (2 b's, princess), and just her handwriting, it means a lot to me that she took the time to get me a gift and send a card. I can only hope that soon enough we'll be able to celebrate our birthdays wrapped in each others' arms instead of being 500 miles apart.

slow jamz has become my favorite song, quite possibly for the week. it has a great beat, lyrics are amazing, and the vocals are great too. Jamie Foxx has an incredible voice.

said she wants some marvin gaye
some luther vandross
a little anita
will definitely set this party off right
she said she wants some ready for the world
some new edition
some minnie riperton
will definitely set this party off right

Feeling:in disbelief
Song:push~matchbox twenty

so i was gonna head over to josh's yesterday for the pistons game, so i wanted to see if kyle could give me ride. after all, that's what friends do, isn't it? give their friends a ride when they need one, instead of walking in the freezing cold? and what was his excuse? "i was feeling lazy." what a bastard. how many times have me and josh and andy gone out of our way to pick him up? i was gonna get ready to walk over there, but then amy called me and wanted to hang out, but i told her i was going to josh's, so she offered to give me a ride over there, even though it was completely out of her way. now she's a great friend.

i came back to my room around 7, and just relaxed and read physics. then around 10 i went to the study lounge and worked on math for a little while, then grabbed my influence book and read that for a little while. i came back up to the room around 1130, and saw that liza was online. i really wanted to talk to her, but then i thought of the whole distancing thing and told myself no. it was hard, but i managed not to. all day i had been checking my buddy list to see if she was online, checking my phone to see if she text messaged me. it's hard trying not to think about her, but hopefully during the next couple months i'll be able to go from thinking about her every second to thinking about her every few minutes. baby steps, justin. baby steps.

i still have my design lab from 3-5 today and then physics from 6-7, so i'm gonna go take a 30 minute nap. that oughta do it.

Feeling:awake
Song:dontchange~Musiq Soulchild

well, i'm sittin here by myself, after a long couple of days. i spent saturday nite over at josh's after the pistons game, and then we just chilled all of sunday, watching the conference championships. andy and kyle came over around 7, and we had pizzas and just hung out for a while, but i knew everyone was gonna wanna drink, which was alright with me. i've gotten used to the fact, and so have they, so i guess it's a win-win.

it was nice seein them and hangin out, but once it turned to drinking, i got bored pretty fast. i just sat there, wondering what would happen if they ended up going to a party. I mean, i thought i'd be able to deal with the fact that they go to parties-hell, i'd just tag along and try to have fun, but i've realized it's almost impossible for me to go to those kinds of parties, where absolutely everyone is drinking. so i came back to my room around 1am, almost 30 hours since i had left.

one nice thing was that liza called me while i was over at josh's. god, it's so comforting to hear her voice- i know i don't say much, but it's just nice knowing that she's on the other end, that we're connected. we talked for more than an hour, just about the usual, but it made me feel a lot better nonetheless. however, we did talk about how we're still supposed to be in that friends stage, and that if anything, we've grown a lot closer since christmas. so, unfortunately, but understandably, we're not going to be talking as much. i think it's better that we do this, because, as she put it, we're still gonna be apart for the next 3 years (at least), and it'll make being separated a lot easier to cope with if we don't talk all the time. makes sense to me. it's gonna be hard, because i will always have her on my mind, but hopefully i'll be able to cope with it and "move on."

Finally, part of the lyrics from Musiq's "dontchange." good nite.
I was meant for you and you was meant for me yeah
And I'll make sure that I'll be everything you need
Girl the way we are is how its gonna be
Just as long as your love don't change

Mood:energetic
Song:Toxic~Britney Spears

well i would've typed this last nite, but i was just so ridiculously tired and saying all sorts of random stuff, it wouldn't have been good. i'll start at 10am yesterday. i was waiting at the bus stop to go to math, and that's when i got the first text message. i responded to her, but the last thing i wanted to do was talk to her. part of me felt like she had betrayed my trust, told her mom and sister something that i had told her in confidence. i went to math class, where i was unusually quiet and subdued. after class i went over to josh and casey's, and we just hung out there, had breakfast/lunch.

liza called me and we talked for a little while, and it made me feel a lot better. she explained how she was reading the log about my mom saying everything, and her sister was in the room and read it too- then she and her mom got into a fight and she made liza tell her mom about it. i couldn't believe it. she kept telling me not to feel bad, but i still feel terrible for knowing that i made her mom cry because of some stupid statements from my mom. i still felt pretty depressed after i got off the phone with her, but not as bad as before.

liza text messaged me later in the evening and said, "i love you to the power of infinity." there's no way i can beat that, but i can match it. she called me while she was on the way home and we talked for a little while more, and i felt a lot better then, almost back to normal i guess. she is a special girl, there is no denying that.

Mood:worried
Song:silence

i cried in the shower this morning. i had to have been in there for like 20 minutes. just the thought of what had happened last nite brought tears to my eyes. and then i let down my defense and just cried like a little kid who bumped his knee.

i hate this feeling, and there's nothing i can do to change it. something has to be done. this whole situation does nothing but complicate the future liza and i could have together. and now i'm not even sure she wants that. that makes me want to cry just saying that.

i didn't fall asleep until around 3 at least, and even then i spent the rest of the nite tossing and turning. i was never comfortable. i had a dream where i was sitting on a couch, and there was a girl sitting in my lap, and i had my arms around her stomach. it wasn't liza, because she was flabby in the stomach. i woke up in a cold sweat after that and spent another hour just worrying, thinking, "if this doesn't work out, i don't think i'm going to be able to make it through this semester."

i woke up 45 minutes earlier than i was supposed to. i went to brush my teeth, and just stared in the mirror at the necklace. a thought actually went through my head telling me to take it off. i just shuddered at that, this necklace has become a part of me. i wore it in the shower because i was fearful that if i took it off for those ten minutes, that would be when i'd lose her, that would be when i'd go back to my room and there'd be a voicemail saying "we're done." i can't deal with that, liza, and her family, have become too important to me. she said that she wasn't good enough for me. i'm definitely nothing to write home about, and her saying that makes me feel insecure about her feelings toward me. it's bad enough i said "i love you" like a gazillion times yesterday and i got absolutely nothing in return, but now i have to deal with insecurity.

thank God i have just one class today. i don't feel like doing anything ever again.

Mood: incredibly terribly depressed
Song:complete silence

she didn't say "i love you" once today. i knew something wasn't right. we talked online for a little while, and toward the end she told me about how she told her mom about what my mom said about their family. in an instant i went from enjoying trix in the bowl she gave me to shoving the bowl away and feeling incredibly sick. i couldn't believe she told her mom- i didn't learn the full story as to why, but it's gotta be some story. i feel terrible now, like almost as bad as on december 29.

pretty much, i made her mom cry, and that really put me in this mood. and then she said that "it's ok" and i shouldn't feel horrible. why the hell not? My asshole of a mom, who thinks she's the fuckin queen of england, thinks she can say anything about anyone, says that kind of shit about the family of the one girl i've ever loved, and all i can do is sit there and listen to it when inside i want to reach over the table and choke her? GOD!

i would cry if will weren't here, so i'm keeping it inside. to me it seems like liza's doubting our relationship, and that would be a ridiculously huge blow to me. just typing that makes me want to lie down and sob to myself. i text messaged her a couple times today and said i loved her, but i didn't get anything. i talked to her on the phone twice and it just felt different, like there was a different aura about the two of us talking. when we talked online, i told her i loved her quite a few times, and that i missed her, and i didn't get anything back. it makes me feel even worse just reflecting on it.

Jstealth03: you need to know that i love you more than anything, and nothing and no one will ever change that
Jstealth03: you tell your mom i said that-nothing is going to change between you and me as long as i can help it
ElizaT25: k
ElizaT25: i should really go to bed now
Jstealth03: alright
ElizaT25: goodnite
Jstealth03: good nite

that's how it ended, with a good nite. i'm going to have the worst sleep of my life tonite.

Mood:bored
Song:One Woman Man~Dave Hollister

just out of curiousity, i was looking at different tattoo galleries online. If anything, i'd want to get a simple cross, or a chinese symbol for something, like loyalty, confidence, or trust.


then i decided to look for the symbol(s) for Elizabeth, and when i found it, this feeling went through me that made me think, i have to get this-once we get married of course. Now normally, I always thought it was stupid for a person to get a tattoo of someone's name on their body, but it's not like i would rush to get this tattoo. i probably won't even get it, but it just looks so great.

and now i've come to the realization that i don't think about her millions of times a day- she's always on my mind, just lingering there, waiting for a (frequent) lull in my mind to take front and center. the more i think about it, the more i realize that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.

I Took this "Are You In Love?" Quiz-like i need a quiz to reaffirm my love for liza or something...

Like me you are totally in love.You try to hide it
but you cant.You are nice and pritty in your
own way and you are a bit of a daydreamer.Have
fun and please rate my quiz....If you want to
talk to me on AOL or AIM my SN is:Fire moon190


Are you in love?
brought to you by Quizilla

Mood:sympathetic
Song:Kelis~Milkshake

it snowed today. quite a bit. and i still had physics to go to. marvelous. but today was just like monday:

8:00-9:50~ISS 210
10:20-11:10~MTH 234
6:00-6:50~PHY 183
not the most fun filled day, that's for sure. after math i went over to the international center to meet up with amy to have some lunch, and ended up waiting til 12 for her to show up. that pissed me off a bit, but i guess in retrospect it was cuz of the weather. plus, she didn't tell me she was bringing her boyfriend tony, so that was a bit of a surprise. except for the fact that he's a drug dealer, he seems like a pretty good guy. they dropped me back off at my room and then i just kinda relaxed for a bit, then did some homework, then left to go meet a girl i was selling my chem book to and to pick up my book for my ME 180 class. after that i went to physics, which was a yawn. then vlad and i went over to holden to grab dinner with josh, we hung out for a little bit and then we took the bus back to bailey. will was gone and still is, so i just relaxed and did some math and watched the pistons game.

liza came online, and it was weird cuz i was just sitting on the couch and something compelled me to go look at my buddy list, and there she was. we talked for a little while about the usual, which i always enjoy. she could be throwing marbles at my face and i'd still have a big goofy smile on my face. after we finished talking i decided to sit down and watch "chasing amy," which i can now say is Kevin Smith's best movie, in my opinion. there are some really great quotes in there about relationships and the movie as a whole made me appreciate the relationship i have with liza even more. Here's something that Holden (Ben Affleck) says that really hit a chord with me:

I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you. Very simple, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend, and that crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I had to say it. I can't take it anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it. And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I couldn't allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I'll accept that. But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not dismiss that - at least for ten seconds - and try to dwell in it. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me. You can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

perhaps one of the best things i've heard said in a movie. good nite all.

Mood:pick one, odds are i'm it
Song:Lonely As You~Foo Fighters

yesterday was uneventful, dare i say boring. class was like i expected it would be, and after physics in the evening i went over to josh's and we had dinner. i grabbed the bus back to my place instead of walking against the wind, so that was a plus. i worked on my math hw for a little bit, then watched tv, then read a little bit, and then liza called, which was unexpected, since she said she was going to be spending the nite at the house she was babysitting at.

i was glad she called. i had thought about her probably every 30 seconds (if anything, i'm underestimating that) during the day, wishing she was here with me. i've never felt as strong a connection with anyone like the one i have with her. example: we were talking sunday night and i was sitting on the futon, thinking, "i wonder if she's going to ask me about the cookies she gave me." as soon as i turned my head to look at the box sitting on the shelf, she asked, "hey, did you eat those cookies yet?" i just about freaked out, but it was a good freaking out, because it reaffirmed that we do have a connection and there's definitely something special between us.

and since i've known liza, i've noticed that most all the girls here are very immature, they're still stuck in the prom queen high school drama mode, and i don't see them escaping that anytime soon. liza on the other hand is mature, but she does have a silly sense of humor side, which i couldn't do without. i've said it before and i'll say it again, she is everything i could ever want in a girl.

i think i'm gonna do some calc now, so i'll talk to ya later.

watchin fresh prince- whenever i see ashley, i think of liza- damn they're both hot.

*** by ashley i mean the one on fresh prince-just a weird coincidence i guess.

second semester, about time

Mood: tired but glad to be tired
Song: Needle In The Hay~Elliott Smith

finally, i'm back on campus. i was getting so tired of my family it was ridiculous. i just realized my mom hadn't said one positive thing to me for a week, up until the drive back, when she said i had a good memory. other than that, it's been criticism, so i'm glad to be out of that house, even though it was nice being home and hanging out with andy and kyle. and after kyle wrote those harsh words about me, i'm glad we were able to smooth things out. without those two and josh, i don't know where i'd be. it just feels good to have a solid group of friends, friends that i can trust to be there for me, and i can't say i've ever had that. this month off has made me feel closer to the guys, and it makes me hope we can stay friends as we get older, have family barbecues, go camping, go to Lions games, and of course, poker night. that would be incredible and i'd consider myself an incredibly lucky guy, with the addition of one more thing...

...my Elizabeth. I know i've said this before, but i've fallen in love with her. it's probably hard to believe, but i know in my heart that we were meant to be together. i think about her every minute of the day, and it hurts knowing the distance between us won't become any shorter anytime soon. but then all i have to think about is how it's going to be in a few years, and i feel incredibly better. she is my everything.

it's really amazing how my life has come together so fast. it was around this time last year, just a few days after my 18th birthday that i was questioning who i was, what my purpose was in life, why i still didn't have a definite group of friends that i hung out with on a constant basis (i was torn between the cross country/track guys, but didn't feel like i belonged there, and josh's group of friends, who i never hung out with outside of a lunch setting). i didn't go to senior prom for the same reason; i didn't have a group of friends to go with really, nor a girl that i even thought about asking. that's why i was so glad high school was finally over, because the bad memories far outweighed the good ones- i'm sure i wasn't the only one, i guess i just never thought it would happen to me. everything is so much better now. i don't even care that i don't have any good girl friends, but having andy, kyle, and josh is important to me. Liza was the final piece to the puzzle i thought i would never complete.

tonite was probably the most stressful nite i've ever had trying to talk to liza. more about that later, how about a recap on the day?

i woke up this morning around 11, went downstairs, didn't say a word to my mom, i was still angry about the night before. i ate breakfast, then got ready to go pick up my glasses, lunch, and a birthday card for rebecca from the store. while i was at the store, i saw that they had started putting out valentine's day stuff, and immediately i thought of liza, even more than i had been. she's always on my mind, if not my first priority.

i was online, but then brian went on, but i was still signed into msn messenger, so she messaged me thru there, and brian just said, "liza is talking to you." so i just casually went to the computer and told her i'd talk to her later. i text messaged her later and we agreed we'd talk at 8. then she went to take a shower, so we didn't talk until around 8:40, and by 9 everyone had gone up. she called me, and we talked for a little while, then got disconnected. she called me back, and then we talked for 40 minutes, and then we got disconnected again because her stupid cordless phone dies every 15 minutes. at this point i was talking so cautiously because i didn't want anyone to be alarmed by the fact that i was saying "i love you" or "i miss you sooo much" to someone on the other end of the line. plus, there was always the chance that brian was hiding behind the second floor balcony- i've come to hate that balcony. but when she called again, i was pretty sure everyone had gone to sleep, so we said we loved each other at least 5 different times, and each time i felt better and better about it. she said she wished she could've have slept with me tonite, which made me ache for her to come in february all the more, but that won't happen, and i'll just have to deal with that. i'll see her in june and i'll be able to tell her how much i love her right to her face.

we talked for a total of nearly two hours, and then my dad came to the balcony and said, "that's enough. go to sleep now!" talk about a friggin nazi. i'm going to talk to him about that in the morning, because he has no right telling me not to talk to whoever i'm talking to. it isn't like it's taking up those stupid precious anytime minutes. geez, only 36 more hours until i'm back on campus. i can't wait to be able to talk freely to liza again. i miss that.

we talked more about the future, like how many kids we wanted (3 or 4), where we're going to live (toronto most likely, or someplace in canada at least- the quality of life there just seems so much better than in America), who i'm going to toast at the wedding (nicki, for giving liza my email address), and how she wanted to move to New York to work in banking for a little while. i can't wait til i'm 23 or 24 and able to just go visit her whenever.

the feeling i get whenever i'm with liza, be it in person, or online, or on the phone, is indescribable. it's like seeing your first fireworks, your first kiss, your favorite song, the most ideal position you could ever be in, all rolled into one. it feels incredible, and i have no doubt this feeling will last me the rest of my life.

Cause when I see you, it's like I'm staring down the sun
And I'm blinded
There's nothing left to do
Still I see you

Mood: eager
Song: Blinded (When I See You)~Third Eye Blind

well just a day after my birthday, and my mom's already gotten angry at me like twice today. long story short, she kept criticizing me, for my shirt, for the supposed bad way i act, how i supposedly never do anything (even though she did say thank you for washing the dishes not 30 minutes before), and i just said, "mom, how about we set aside one whole day where you can criticize me?" all she said was "i don't like you." what the hell is that? are parents allowed to say that to their kids? I felt terrible and just went upstairs to my room and started getting my stuff together to take up to state. dad came up and just sat in the hallway, and we talked for a bit- i know he was just there to comfort me, because me and mom have always butted heads. me and dad have gotten along a lot better, so that's a bit comforting. i needed to leave the house.

josh came over and then we went over to andy's and played poker and watched office space and mr. deeds. it was a pretty good time. i wished i could've talked to liza, but i was takin a lot of flak from the guys for not playing one hand while i told her what was going on. so now i'm going thru a bit of withdrawl having not really talked to her today. i emailed her a photo of me with the "silly rabbit" bowl she got me for christmas, which i used at breakfast this morning. it was great, i only thought about her every time i looked at that bowl. i miss her sooo much, it actually hurts if i try not to think about her, not that i would do that anyway.

while we were at andy's house, i told the guys we were getting married, but everyone but josh took it as a joke. well, it'll be on them in less than ten years (fingers crossed). the more i think about it, the more right it seems. i hope she feels the same way, and i think she does. never in my wildest dreams did i think i'd land such an amazing girl.

title? what title?

Mood: feelin old
Song: Love~Musiq Soulchild

well, yesterday was by far an incredibly cold day, and it continues with today. with the wind, it's like -7 degrees- for you canadian folks, that's about -22 celsius.

last nite me and josh went over to andy's and just hung out there. we watched 'robin williams live on broadway,' which was hilarious. then we talked with his stepdad mark, who's a really cool guy. he invited us to come to the robotics place where he works, so we might take him up on that. kyle called josh while we there and said he would come over, but he never did. that's the second time he's ditched us without so much as a phone call to tell us what was going on. what an ass. i'm tired of his crap, i could've swore we were like his best friends, but i guess i was wrong. forget him.

i got home around 11:30, and thinking liza might be online, i signed on, but she wasn't, so i ended up talking to christine for a little bit and playing hold em poker. then, around ten after 12, my phone rang, and it was her. of course it was her, who else would be calling me? i was tired and bored before she called, but once i heard her voice, it was like i got a shot of energy, because i felt like i could've stayed up all nite as long as i knew she was on the other end of the line.

she was the first one to say happy birthday to me, and i was happy about that. it would've been nice if we could've been together for my birthday, but that'll have to wait a few years. she isn't starting college til the fall, so it turns out we'll finish at the same time, so that's really convenient. and then we talked about marriage for a little bit, and i'll be honest with you, it brought a smile to my face, like a comforted, everything's-gonna-be-alright kinda smile. she talked about how she wanted dude, her dog, to be the ringbearer, which was fine by me. i know i'd get a kick out of it if he managed to do it, and i have no doubt he'll be able to.

so it's kinda weird, i mean, we're not really boyfriend/girlfriend anymore, we're just two really good friends who just happen to have fallen in love with each other and have already planned parts of the we've even talked about where we're gonna live (most likely toronto, it's a compromise point between montreal and michigan). lol, a little strange if you're an outsider and have no clue what's going on, i know. whatever, it all makes sense to me at least, i guess that's what matters. it's talks like these that makes me hope the next 3 years go by fast, just so i can be with her. the next time i'm going to see her is in june, at andrew's first communion ("they have a lot of bathrooms," she said- i just laughed and thought about how hard it was just planning it during christmas-that fell thru). she was going to come for her spring break in february, but that was when we were still "dating." once we "broke up," she called it off, which i kind of understand, it just makes me a little sad/mad that we lose out on a week of hanging out without worrying about parents looking over our shoulders or any of that. but it's alright, i just think about how it'll all be made up for in a few short years.

liza is a once in a lifetime girl, and for me to have found her so early is even more amazing. i consider myself luckier and luckier with every passing day, because some people go their whole lives and never find their perfect match, and i found her before i turned 19. it's incredible. i love her, and that isn't a word i toss around lightly either.

How You Know She's The One

From the moment you meet her, there's this feeling, a lingering thought at first, but the more you talk and see each other, the stronger those feelings are. soon enough you wake up every morning thinking of her, and knowing that you'll talk at night is your only motivation for getting through the drudgery that is school. you don't go a minute without thinking of her, be it a random thought or seeing something that reminds you of some fun thing you might have talked about in one of the many 2 hour conversations you've had. the only real pure happiness you experience is when you talk to her, or get that one text message from her that could bring a smile even to the coldest of men. nothing else compares to her, she becomes the ideal for you. you think so much about her that it throws you off everything else you're doing, not that it matters anymore, now that she's in your life. you go to bed thinking of her, you dream about her, sleep the most incredible sleep because you know that everything's going to be alright so long as you're together in one form or another. you wake up and feel incredible, almost invincible because nothing's going to stop you today.

some people

Mood: weary
Song: Shadow Of The Sun~Audioslave

just when i thought i couldn't be any more shocked by what my mom has said, she comes out with one today. i decided to tell her that liza and i talk on the phone sometimes, and after about ten minutes of debating in my head, i finally did it:

Me: "guess who called me yesterday while i was hangin out with Josh?" (liza hadn't called me, but i felt this was a plausible story)
Mom: "who?"
Me: "liza." mom just scoffs. "she just wanted to see how my new year went."
Mom: "justin, be careful." (what the hell did she mean by that?"
Me: "we're just friends, we can talk."
Mom: "they've had a pretty rough childhood, especially paul. their family isn't too great." (i was ready to erupt at this, but i kept it in check)
Me: "what are you talking about? it's not their fault."
Mom: "she's older than you." (only by like 3.5 months! damn traditionalists)
Me: "so what, it's only like 4 months."

and then mom talked about how liza's mom left her scarf at the anniversary party and how she seemed to have had a good time dancing. i just smiled at this, but it bothered me more and more as the night went on that she thought liza and her family weren't good enough. i seriously wanted to bring it up later, but then she would have realized that i'm more than friends with liza, so i'll wait til another day to confront her about it.

i mean, what gives her the right to judge people? She's been the same damn housekeeper at the same damn hospital ever since she came to the United States (why not canada?) do i sound like an ungrateful bastard? i know i do, but she shouldn't really judge people, i hate when people do that, especially when they have no right/reason to. pisses me off.

i wanted to talk to liza tonite, but she was in toronto, so we couldn't. sometimes i think i miss her much more than she misses me, but then i realize there's no way of knowing that. after all, she does call me, and i never do- i feel bad, but living under the nazi regime that is my home makes it hard to call someone without being interrogated for it. 85% of me is ready to go back to state, but i still have another damn week here. hope it goes by fast, so i can get everyone off my back and just do my thing on my own.

eh....

nothin special as of late. i got my new receiver installed in the car yesterday. it only took like 5 hours longer than they told me. bastards.

kyle, josh, and andy came over last nite and we just watched bad boys 2 and chilled in the basement for a lil while. today was pretty boring, just going around and getting stuff done.

the past few nites i've been sleepin with spike, the stuffed lizard liza gave me for christmas. not like arms wrapped around him or anything, but just him on his own side of the bed. a little weird. maybe it is, and maybe it is. it's just pretty comforting to me in addition to the necklace. it kinda sucks that i have to wait til like june to see her again, but i'll make it.

i don't feel like sayin a lot today. later.

04.01.01

wow, happy new year. the last day of 2003 kinda sucked, but overall, the year was more good than bad. some days that i remember because they were a)so important, or b)recent, or c)both a and b.

03.12.31- i think this might have been the first new years i didn't spend with the family. goes to prove how much of a sheltered loser i've been. but that's all changed, for now and for the future. i went over to andy's house, where me, him, and josh ended up just hanging out because kyle didn't call us or let us know what was going on. we were a little pissed about that, so me and josh left a message on his phone where we got pissed off at him- i kinda regretted it afterward, but then thought, forget that, i thought we were his friends, and he decides to go to a party at eastern instead of hang out with us? i took that as a slap in the face, and so did josh. all of us and andy's family played catchphrase for close to an hour, then the 3 of us went outside and played a little football in the 30 degree michigan air. it felt a lot warmer prolly cuz there was no freezing wind like there had been earlier in the day. i enjoyed just hanging out with them, because it just goes to show how good of friends we've become over the past few years. even though josh and andy wanted to drink (and that was fine, i didn't mind, my role will always be designated driver) and they felt the night was a little lacking because there were no girls there, i was fine with it, because we still had a decent time, and of course, i have liza, so i don't really care if there are girls there.

after playing football for like ten minutes, we went in, counted down, drank our champagne/sparkling grape juice, and headed back outside.
04.01.01- i text messaged liza really quick just to say happy new year and i that i loved her, and i left the phone on the table. after playin catch for a little while more, we called in a huddle and made an oath that we would be in toronto for new years 2005, and then andy added that we'd each have a girl by our side (even though the words he used were, "we're gonna have some tacos next to us." don't ask me). i really hope we follow through on it, because not only would we be doing something cool, i'd get to see liza, and that's always great. we came back in, and of course, i had 4 missed calls-one from kyle, and 3 from liza. i checked the voicemail and turned on the speakerphone so we could hear kyle come up with an excuse, but liza came on first, and everyone heard her say "i love you" and just went "awww." i just smiled and tried to play it cool, but there was no hiding it-i think i was blushing because the guys were makin fun of me. oh well, i'd take it any day. i saved her message and moved onto kyle's- he said that he was still at the party, and that he wasn't drinking (as he shouldn't be, seeing how his court order says no to that), and we couldn't make out the rest. whatever, i thought we were his friends and we were the ones he wanted to hang out with, but i guess i was wrong.
while we were inside talking, liza called me again, so i talked to her for about fifteen minutes, which was really nice. she has the amazing ability to make me feel like nothing else in the world matters. we talked about our plans for next year, as far as going to toronto for new years. i hope we follow thru on it, because it would be nothing short of heaven being with her on new year's.

03.10.11- the day liza and i became "official." it was the first relationship for the both of us, and while the officialness lasted up until december 29th, we declared our love for each other on the 30th. messed up, huh? honestly, i think about her every minute, there's always something that reminds me of her.

yeah, that's about it, only two really decent dates in the whole year. oh yeah, and graduation, first day of college, blah blah blah. that stuff sucks/ed.

my new year's resolutions, as follows:
-stop biting my nails
-curb the swearing, especially around girls and kids
-do something nice for one person everyday.

we'll see how that goes.