im nothing without you... like a fire with no flame
girl its all you... i can hardly maintain
you with no me... earth with no sea
bird with no bees... thats the way im gonna be
nothing without you... like a fire with no flame
girl its all you... i can hardly maintain
you with no me... earth with no sea
bird with no bees... thats the way im gonna be without you..
~Jagged Edge, Nothing Without You

ok i'm gonna keep this short. whoa, i haven't written in here for a while. Anyway, here goes.

*Josh went home for the weekend and went to the OSU-UM game. lucky bastard. I was so bored today and yesterday, i'm glad he's comin back tomorrow. It felt weird not talkin to him online or in person. But it's alright, he'll be back tomorrow.

*I haven't talked to liza since Thursday, so this combined with josh has made me feeling quite lonely. Besides my family, they are the two most important people in my life right now, so going a couple days without talking to them is a big hit. In fact, i text messaged liza yesterday and today, hoping to get a reply, but nothing. Every little beep i heard, i thought it was my phone, and i anxiously checked it, just for any kind of sign from her. Nothing, but it's alright, i'm sure she's busy. I found myself checking the laptop every 30 seconds while i was doing my homework to see if anyone had im'ed me, but nothing there either. I've just been in the room all day, watching football, listening to music, doin hw, same ol. Will's been gone for most of the day, which was pretty nice.

*Thank God there's only two days of class this coming week, and then thanksgiving. i can't wait to go back home.

a rollercoaster of emotions tonite, to say the least. First off, i'm incredibly tired. I was up til 3 am working on a rough draft for atl that i ended up bullshitting anyway. Then i woke up at 9, after going to sleep around 430 or so. i hate it, and all day i was sluggish and feeling like crap. after atl, which wasn't too bad, i came home and just relaxed, did nothing except that stupid extra credit chem survey. i ate dinner (by myself again), and came back to the room, watched tv, checked out internet stuff, blah blah.

Then liza and i talked online for a couple hours or so. There was a huge bombshell, and it made my heart drop faster than a skydiver without a parachute (you like it? don't take it). She said that her family was going to Virginia for Christmas because stupid Paul couldn't get any vacation time. I was just shocked, i couldn't say anything. Immediately we began talking about meeting up in Toronto for New Years, thinking of all the possible ways we could arrange it. After a while of discussing ways that would never materialize, she called me. She began screaming hysterically, i couldn't even understand what she was saying. Then i heard- "We aren't going to Virginia for Christmas! We're still coming to Michigan!" I was so incredibly happy. We ended up talking til about 15 minutes ago, just about how much we missed each other, the CDs she left here (we listened to a few over the phone), and the physical aspect of the relationship. She's a little scared to go on the pill, and i don't blame her. I've heard that there can be some pretty nasty side effects, and the last thing i want her to go through is any kind of unnecessary pain. We just talked about this for a bit, then we talked about the different ways we're going to sneak around the house at Christmas to kiss each other. Note: remember the bathroom plan: her going to the upstairs bathroom, and me following up after a few minutes. It's gotta work. OK, well, i've had a near heart attack alraedy, so i think the best thing to do is just to go lie down. That won't happen, yet, but soon. later.

i've had this nagging feeling at the back of mind for the past three weeks. I want to drink. Is it bad? Yes, i don't know why i'm feeling like this. First, i should feel lucky for my health, and that I have a girlfriend that I didn't meet thru a party (kind of) or drinking. I could have went to Amy's house party last nite, but missed out on it, so i ended up hangin at casey and josh's for the nite. just stupid. if andy and kyle come up, i think i'm gonna drink a little bit next weekend. Don't ask me why i'm feeling like this, i just am. Dammit.

anyway, one month for me and liza is on Tuesday, and i couldn't be happier about that. I think it may be unhealthy how many times i think of her a day. Ha, no such thing. I'm really looking forward to christmas, i know i'm saying this every time. If i don't talk to her tonite, i'll live, but it'll be a little depressing. just a little bit, because i like hearing her voice, it just comforts me. of course i can't talk in the hall anymore, cuz the guys razz me about bein on the phone for so long. whatever, i don't care what they think. In fact, i was talkin to my mom one day, and matt walked by and told me to get off the damn phone cuz he thought i was talking to liza! I don't think mom heard that though, so i'm good.

I feel a lot better, honestly. Josh came over yesterday, and we had dinner, then went back to my room to watch mr. deeds or something. Liza called, which was unexpected, but welcome. We talked for close to 2 hours- she made this list of things she wanted to ask me, and at one point she was crying. I felt terrible, i was near tears myself, and would have been if i was sitting alone in my room. I think we got everything straightened out, so now everything's better. I'm glad, because I realized what an ass I was for saying stuff that i didn't even mean. Honestly, Liza is one of the best things that's ever happened to me, and i'm taking it for granted. I couldn't believe the doubts going thru my mind on sunday and saturday. I felt like an idiot, and i hope she knows this.

Our one month anniversary is coming up on Tuesday, and honestly, I'm pretty happy about it. The relationship is kinda weird, not in the sense that it's long distance, but in the sense that it's been a little more than three weeks, we really like each other, and we already got in a major fight (not so much a fight, but the thesaurus in my mind stops working around 5 pm.). Hopefully we'll be able to slow all this down a little bit and just enjoy what we have together. I really do feel better when i talk to her, it's very comforting. I need to sleep, i have early chem tomorrow, but i feel 200% better than i did sunday nite...

I'm A Wuss

So i was awake saturday nite, just watching snl, when my cell phone rang. It was liza, so i went outside and answered the phone. She sounded wasted, so i just went along with it. She was at a club, and just had a smirnoff and a shot of JD, and she thought she would call me. That was really sweet of her, it actually did bring a smile to my face.

But, at the back of my mind, i was wondering: What am i doing? Liza is not usually the girl i would like, but i do, i really like her. I mean, she's smoked weed, drinks (not often at all, like every few months, and she stopped with the marijuana), and worst of all, she lives in montreal! This is my first major relationship, and for it to be a long distance one, it really hurts. I wish she were here, it would make things soooo much better. So on the drive back to state last nite, i text messaged her, telling her i needed to talk to her.

Liza called around 1030, and we just talked for a bit, then she asked, "so what did you need to tell me?" So, instead of telling her what was really on my mind, i told her about her my mom mentioned she and her family would be coming for christmas, and how i acted completely oblivious about it. So then she said she'd talk to me later, cuz her sister need to use the phone. I couldn't bring myself to tell her. DAMN IT. I was hurting even more after this, so i went back on the computer, and text messaged her again, telling her i needed to talk again. I was alone in the room, just pacing, lying down, with a single tear welling up in my eye, thinking of what the hell was gonna happen. She didn't call, so i (tried) going to sleep, and just lay there until like 3 am.

The phone woke me up this morning, and i answered it. It was Liza, so i went out in the hall and told her everything that had been on my mind. I needed to say it, it was just building up inside of me. In the end, I realized that breaking up because of distance is a stupid excuse, and that i need to try harder, because it will definitely be worth it in the long run. How long i don't know, but we'll let the future decide that.

During breakfast, the ride to chem and the lecture, i thought about how great i had it, being with a girl like Liza. I text messaged her, and told her so, and it made me feel a lot better. I'm glad we were able to get through this, i really like her. Now i'm much more anxious about Christmas, because i want to see her so bad...

i was home for the weekend, which explains why nothing has been here- nothing happened, at all. Actually, friday, i got back from class, chilled out for a bit, and went to have lunch, by myself again. Anyway, i'm standing in the line for food, and the 2 girls in front of me say "happy halloween!" They seemed really excited (who wasn't? it was friday and halloween). We just joked around for a bit, then went our separate ways to eat. When i finished, i eyed them while i was returning the tray, and decided to walk past them. I said, "you girls have a happy halloween," and they said the same back. I grabbed my apple and left for bailey. I noticed them again while i was walking back, they came out of another exit. They saw me too, cuz they screamed "HAPPY HALLOWEEN!" All i could do was smile. Then, i think i heard one of them say "you're pretty cute." But it's probably just me. I have to say, my confidence is a lot higher since I met Liza- it feels great.

Home was uneventful. Halloween was boring, Saturday i got a lot of stuff done (haircut, shaving, driving, shopping), so that was good. State lost, but U-M won. It was kind of bittersweet. I really wanted state to win, cuz i'm cheerin on Jeff Smoker and his comeback from the battle with alcohol and drug abuse. Sunday we went to church (the kids all around us were fat, and it worries me to think about what the next generation of kids are gonna be like- obese, out of shape, unhealthy). I went over to kyles for a little bit and watched the lions game (beat the raiders 23-13, woohoo), then came home, had dinner, and came back up here. Just another stupid Sunday. It got dark too fast.