well josh came over and now we're watching donnie darko, but before we started it, i decided to check my email and saw that i got one from liza. and i'm sorry, but yes, this entry's going to be about liza. i wish i had something else to talk about, but i don't.  you know what? i changed my mind, i don't wanna write about this. i'm gonna sit down, and try to enjoy this movie. good night.

wow today was a great day- as far as the weather goes. It was sunny and warm, and best of all, there was hardly any wind. i went to classes with only a sweatshirt on, and it felt good not having to be weighed down by a winter coat.

i was working on some math, but i felt i deserved a break. i don't know why, so don't ask. after i came back from josh and casey's, i went to check the mail, hoping that i would have gotten the ncaa football game for ps2 that i bought on ebay like 3 weeks ago. I saw there was a yellow slip, so i got all excited. Finally, some college football goodness! But no, it was a package from liza, which was just as good, if not much better.

i opened the package in my room, and here's what i got:

• a charlie brown themed valentine card- very nice and brought a smile to my face.


• a box of smarties candy- i don't know if they have them here, they're like canadian m&ms, even though they have those too.


• a pair of boxers- nothing special you say? i tend to disagree. these boxers say "i'm marking my territory" on them, complete with a giant set of..uh..lip prints? i'm at a loss for words. now, i haven't tried them on, but judging by the size of these boxers (large), i'm probably gonna have to wear a belt around them too...oh well, it's the thought that counts and i got a kick out of it.

liza's so creative like that, i kinda felt bad for what i got her. I made a mistake in not getting her a card, i just wrote her a note, but that was at a point when i was a bit angry since we hadn't talked for nearly 3 weeks. she called the next day, so i slapped myself in the face. i also got her the new britney spears cd (don't ask for the valentines tie-in, there isn't one, she just wanted it), and a heart shaped plush thingamajig with the words "I Love You" inscribed on it. Dammit, i really goofed this one up. Hopefully i'll have a chance to redeem myself, i really am a lot better than that.

well, back to math-maybe, i'll just end up going to sleep in 15 minutes. good nite.

ok, when i said i was going to stay disciplined, i meant work-out wise. See, the thing about wearing earplugs to sleep is that you can't hear your alarm. Either that or i forgot to turn it on before i went to sleep last nite. at least it was only my ME lecture, i'll learn what happened in the lab today. At least i woke up in time to take my math quiz.

well, i got to talk to liza tonight. that's right, i consider it a privilege to talk to her now, seeing as how it hardly ever happens anymore. I used to take for granted the fact that we talked every night for hours, and i hate how i realize only now how much i miss it. we didn't talk about too much, and before i knew it, she was gone, to watch that gay ass show "the OC." it only makes me hate it even more.

this morning i decided to do something a little creative with the rubberband on my right wrist. I put the initials of the people who have an immediate impact on my life. Really, there's no need to put them here, if you know me you'll know who's on the band. in addition to liza's necklace, it's just another thing i'm going to wear everyday to remind myself of how lucky i am.

i was going to read for a little while, but it's almost time to work out, so i'll do that instead.

alright, well i was looking at andrea's journal and got this idea from her to just open up winamp and list the first 20 songs that play. here goes.

1. mad world~gary jules


2. my first love~avant


3. gold to me~ben harper


4. america the beautiful~ray charles


5. can i live~sisqo


6. duettino sull aria~mozart


7. running out of days~3 doors down


8. rest of my life~unwritten law


9. oh no~nate dogg


10. under the bridge~red hot chili peppers


11. girl next door~musiq


12. numb~linkin park


13. whatcha wanna do~silkk the shocker


14. heart of a woman~r. kelly


15. don't dream it's over~crowded house


16. pink & blue~andre 3000


17. beyond the gray sky~311


18. where do we go from here~filter


19. drag you down~finger eleven


20. welcome to atlanta (remix)~jd

interesting i guess.

got back from physics and i'm gettin ready to get a head start on this week's homework. last week i cut it way too close and didn't finish it until 20 minutes before we left for windsor.

oh yeah, now i remember. after drinking on friday night, i didn't really see what was so great about it. maybe it's because there weren't really any girls our age around there, but all i had to show for it was a little wobbly walk and feeling tired. oh well, i still had fun. i did feel a little guilty about drinking, mostly because i felt like i was letting myself down. i mean, for 19 years i didn't let alcohol touch my lips, not even wine (and don't even count the communion wine, that's just stupid). i prided myself on my willpower, and now what do i have to show for it? the fact that i gave up for a night of fun that i probably still would have had if i was sober. and then there's the fact that liza really liked that i didn't drink. hopefully this doesn't change what she thinks of me, because that would be the worst. and paul really liked that i didn't drink, and now that i have, i feel like i've ruined it all. then again, why can't i have some fun? even though it wasn't all that great, shouldn't i be allowed to let loose once in a while? sometimes i think i'm too uptight, that i don't let myself fully enjoy the college life. but then i look at all these drunks surrounding me and realize i don't need to be that relaxed to enjoy college. ah well.

i know i said i was gettin a new journal, but i think i'm just going to copy and paste my entries here as well, just because the archiving is a lot easier here.

I managed to fall asleep only once in ISS today, and that was just for a few minutes- i hope. Between taking the notes that mean absolutely nothing to me, i decided to make up a schedule of how my day would go. I've realized that I waste way too much time, so hopefully this will help. I'm not anal retentive or some kind of organized bastard, I just don't want to waste so much damn time.

well, time for lunch. hope this week goes alright.

Feeling:quiet
Song:another love song~ queens of the stone age

well, i've decided to get a livejournal. that's right, so for all five of you that read this journal, start goin on over to the new F1rstyear. My new screenname is jstealth07. note the subtle but nonetheless important change in the last number.

see you there. maybe.

Capricorn: tonight there is a sparkle in the stars that means you can romance that special valentine and achieve your wildest desires. yeah right.

i text messaged liza this morning once we crossed the bridge back into detroit, just to say happy valentine's day. Surprisingly, she text messaged me back, so that made me pretty happy. i slept most of the day, then went to church, and decided to stay in for the night instead of hanging out with andy and kyle. i kinda felt bad, but i was still tired as all hell. i don't even know what i'm still doing up. i'm too used to staying up late i guess.

my dad told my aunt anna that andy was looking for a job, but she said that if she gave it to andy i wouldn't be able to work there during the summer. I don't care if i work there or not, andy needs the money a lot more than i do. He's a hard worker (when he wants to be), and i have no doubt he'd do fine there. My mom suggested that andy try applying at the hospital since they need a lot of drivers, so i'm going to let him know about that. I'm done for now, we'll see what happens tomorrow.

Feeling:tired
Song:bright lights~matchbox 20

ok, i'm working on 4 hours of sleep right now, but i wanted to talk about last night before i forget it all. to say the least, it was a lot of fun, and i'm glad we went.

before we crossed the border, we went to mexican town and had dinner, which was good. we went over the bridge, with no problems, and headed to the hotel. Mark went all out, which was amazing. We stayed at the Radisson, which was a really nice hotel overlooking the river. At first i thought it would be the four of us staying in one room, but Mark got two, one for me and josh, and the other for him and andy.

We left for the casino like ten minutes later. Casino Windsor is really nice inside, i mean, it doesn't compare to vegas, but it's really nice. I exchanged $40 american for like $54 canadian, and proceeded to lose it all at the roulette table. I was up around 65 or so, but ended up losing. Whatever, shit happens i guess. Andy and Mark both made out pretty well, so that balanced out the money me and josh lost.

After hanging at the casino for a bit, we went over to cheetah's, one of the strip clubs there. It was both me and josh's first time in a strip club, so we didn't really know what to expect. But all i can say is that it was amazing. All of the girls there were really hot, and Mark even paid for our lap dances, which i thought was sweet. I only got one, and the weird thing is my dancer was from Montreal, and I told her about liza, and she said she had a long distance relationship with a guy in london, but it didn't work out. how the hell did i pick the one that was from Montreal?

The dance didn't do all that much for me, i mean, she was hot, no doubt about it, but all i could think about was liza. I went back to the table, had some more to drink (which Mark paid for too- he is definitely the man), and just sat and thought about how much i missed her-liza, not the dancer.

And it was the first time i drank too. over the course of the night, i had 3 labatts and a shot of what mark called a buttery nipple, which was just a butterscotch with liquor. It wasn't too bad at all. I didn't really feel a buzz until much later, when we were at Jasons, another strip club. I could tell because when i was walking to the bathroom i didn't take the straightest line possible. oh well, i didn't have a headache or anything, so it was good. I'm not going to drink anytime soon though, so that'll do for now i guess.

Mark called it a nite around 1:30, so me josh and andy went back to the casino. I decided to go back to roulette, because i wanted to get my money back (stupid me), so i exchanged $30 and played for a couple hours. At one point i had $95 canadian, which is around 73 US, but i kept going and ended up with $55 CDN, around $42 american, so overall i ended up down $28 for the nite. I was ok with that, it wasn't as bad as losing the whole thing. unfortunately, josh did. he put in $80 american and lost it all, i felt terrible for him. just bad luck i guess.

geez, i wrote more than i thought i would. i need to get some sleep now.

home for a little bit, then it's off to windsor with andy and josh to celebrate andy's 19th. it should be a lot of fun. I think i'm going to try to call liza tomorrow and say happy valentines day, because come to think of it, i really do miss her, and i feel like we left the phone call on a pretty bad note. by feel i mean i know we left the phone call on a bad note. She is my everything, and nothing is going to change that. here's to a fun night in windsor and love tomorrow. Happy Valentine's Day.

Feeling:still pretty angry
Song:what you want~jaheim

ok i'm still not done. this whole distance thing is hitting me a lot harder than i thought it would, and i'm still coming to the realization that this isn't gonna be easy for the either of us. i wish i could've asked liza a few questions, but it just didn't seem to be the right time to ask. i don't know when that time will come, but hopefully soon. she said she got my letter yesterday, but didn't say anything about it, she just left it there. i don't know what to think of that.

nothing has changed as far as my love for her- it's just hard seeing all these couples all over the damn campus sharing a kiss, or holding hands, and me realizing i won't be able to do that for a while, and i hate that realization. it hurts even more not knowing how she feels about the whole thing- she called me overly sensitive, which i guess i can agree with, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have to hide how she's feeling.

i feel so drained, like i can't even bring a smile to my face anymore. i think i'm just going to go work on some physics or something. thank God i have an easy schedule for the rest of the week.

Feeling:perturbed
Song:behind blue eyes~limp bizkit

well, me and liza finally talked today. i was hanging out at josh and casey's when my cell phone rang, and it was her. we talked for close to an hour, but the whole mood of the conversation felt completely different from what it's normally been. once again, it's a part of that whole distancing thing. not once during the whole time did she say "i miss you," or "i love you." i mean, i didn't say it either, but it just didn't feel right, and i didn't want her to think that i was still as attached as much as i am. everytime she said "justin," in that whispery voice she always uses, i kept expecting her to say "i miss you," but nothing came. It was always a comment about something else, like how she's trying to get a work visa to come to the states this summer, or what Dude (her dog) was doing at that moment. the conversation on the whole just seemed lackluster- my heart wasn't completely in it, and i'm scared to think about what that means. When she said bye, all she said was, "i don't have anything else to say, so i'm gonna go." all i could say was "bye," and then she hung up, but i didn't hear the click, so i held the phone to my ear, waiting for her to say, "justin, you didn't say you love me!" but nothing.

of course, just toward the end of the conversation, we were talking about india, and she mentioned how all her friends would like to go to india, and i said, "once they're there, they're not going to like it." maybe it was a stupid thing to say, seeing as how i've only been there with my family, but just the fact that she replied by saying "you're forgetting where you're coming from," or "you're just like all those other indian kids that don't care for their roots." well, there's really nothing i can do about that. I tried hanging out with indians in high school, but they didn't care for me, probably cuz i am Catholic, as stupid a reason as that is. I'm sorry that i can't be like Liza, where i get to go to some stupid ass indian conference every summer. just because i don't hang around indians doesn't mean i'm proud of my heritage- i just haven't had as many opportunities as her to get involved with it.

needless to say, i'm a little angry right now. i don't know what the hell is going on. and to top things off, kyle told us that the girl he was going to ask out tomorrow had a boyfriend. i felt terrible about it, because he seemed so depressed, like he was just giving up on even trying to talk to girls anymore. all i could do was throw out stupid cliches, and it made me feel even worse that i had nothing original to say. more than anything i hope he (and andy) do better in the future.

andy said he cried for the first time in 3 years, which caught me totally off guard. No job, no money, no girl, no friends at home will do that to you. we're all going to hang out this saturday, even though we are going to windsor. hopefully kyle can hang out too.

i have nothing else to say. i feel like all my emotions are completely gone, and that i'm just devoid of any feeling. good night.

Feeling:indifferent
Song:the background~third eye blind

today came and went, nothing special. took my calc test, which i think was alright. i went to the post office to drop off liza's valentine's gift, and just walking there seemed really sobering, almost depressing. it was snowing, and there was this bitter cold wind, and i felt like doing nothing but lying down and just staring at the ceiling. i can honestly say that the whole day went without me feeling quite like i normally do, and i really can't explain why. i mean, there's the obvious reason, but then there's all these little ones that i'll go over one day- or maybe i won't, i need to keep something to myself. i played some madden over at josh's, went to my design lab, had dinner with chris, went to physics, came back, watched the pistons lose another one, read some, and here i am now, listening to third eye blind.

i was talking to josh earlier, but like i said, i don't feel the same as usual, so the convo was pretty pointless, save for his talking about how he had run-ins with two separate girls today. I'm happy for him, mostly for the fact that he's finally opened his eyes to the fact that girls are paying attention to him, and before he just shrugged them off or didn't think anything of it. hopefully he does something more positive with today's experiences. see how boring my life is? i just dedicated a paragraph to talking about josh's life.

i think i'm gonna read a little more, eat my fruit, drink some milk, and call it a night. i've been thinking way too much.

Feeling:perplexed
Song:thanks a lot~third eye blind

after physics, i called josh to let him know i'd be stopping by so we could grab dinner. He told me that liza was signed on, so i said, "go ahead, talk to her if you want." he didn't, of course, which didn't matter to me. when i got to his place, i saw that she was still signed on, but i said forget it- if she wants to play hardball and not talk to me, not respond to my email, that's fine. I play hardball with the best of them.

honestly, it does hurt a little bit that she didn't tell me that we weren't going to talk for a stretch of time (if that's even the reason, i have no idea), but if she wants to stay withdrawn, i can do it too. whatever, i need to study.

friday is one day closer, and that means one day closer until me, josh, and andy go to windsor for andy's 19th birthday. He's already declared that he's gonna get blasted, which i can only laugh at. I've thought about it, and i've decided that i'm going to drink too, but not til "my penis falls off," just to get a buzz. The only reason is because i'm doing it with 2 of my closest friends, and that's the only way i'd have it. If kyle was able to come, it would be that much better, but he's a young'un. poor kid. oh well, there'll be more times, i'm sure.

and now sarah mclachlan's on the grammys, like i need to say who that reminds me of. i just kept my headphones on and turned up the volume.

[my name is]: Justin
[in the morning i am]: sleeping or at class
[all i need is]: to love and be loved
[love is]: spending time with that someone and nothing else coming to mind
[im afraid of]: being alone, drowning
[i dream about]: the future

-H A V E .Y O U. E V E R . .
[pictured your crush naked?]: of course
[actually seen your crush naked]: mmhmm
[had sex]: nope
[made love]: in time
[been in love]: yes
[lied]: sometimes

-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-
[coke or pepsi]: neither
[flowers or candy]: flowers
[tall or short]: doesn't matter to me

-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: smile
[last person u slow danced with]: i don't remember

-W H O-
[makes you laugh the most?]: josh andy and kyle
[makes you smile]: a lot of people
[gives you a funny feeling when you see them]: my princess
[do you have a crush on?]: My Princess
[has a crush on you?]: geez, i sure hope my princess
[easiest to talk to]: myself

-D O. Y O U .E V E R-
[sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. you?]: more than i should
[save aol/aim conversations]: no- deadaim does it
[wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: rarely
[cried because of someone saying something to you]: yes, damn my emotions

-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: that's a bit sick
[been rejected]: yeah
[rejected someone]: once, and i felt terrible
[used someone]: yes
[been cheated on]: hope not
[done something you regret]: who hasn't

-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: josh
[hugged]: mom (that's kinda sad)
[you instant messaged]: josh
[you laughed with]: josh

-D O .Y O U-
[color your hair]: what am i, gay?
[ever get off the damn computer]: i do have class
[habla espanol]: un poquito
[nihongo o hanashimasuka]: that's just gibberish

-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[smoke cigarettes]: nope
[obsessive]: when it comes to some things
[could you live without the computer?]: what a stupid question
[how many peeps are on your buddylist?]: 19
[what's your favorite food?]: mostaciolli
[whats your favorite fruit?]: bananas (don't even make a dick sucking joke)
[drink alcohol?]: no
[like watching sunrises or sunset]: sunsets, cuz i'm usually awake for those
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: without a doubt, emotional
[trust others way too easily?]: yes

-N U M B E R-
[of times i have had my heart broken?]: 2
[of hearts i have broken?]: most likely none
[of girls i have kissed?]: 2
[of boys i have kissed?]: none
[of continents i have lived in?]: 1
[of drugs taken illegally?]: 0
[of tight friends?]: 3
[of cd's that i own?]: 20
[of scars on my body?]: 3
[of things in my past that i regret?]: 4

Feeling:gloomy
Song:mad world~gary jules

well another weekend, more good times and some bad times to talk about i guess. Saturday evening the family went out for dinner with my cousins for my parents and uncle and aunt's anniversary, so that was nice. i was feeling really tired, but at the same time, i was looking forward to hanging out with kyle, josh, and andy. We didn't get back home til around 9:30, so i just left the house immediately and headed over to Grant's house, where they were playing poker at.

A few new guys were there, but they were all cool for the most part, with the exception of brandon, the guy who pretty much gave kyle his dui. he just seemed like a punk i guess, but nick and grant are good guys as far as i can tell. And, for the first time in a while, i didn't think about liza, which worries me a bit.

she still hasn't emailed me back, and with every passing day i get a little more anxious. i know some people might say, "whatever, don't think about it, just keep going." but when you make a commitment as deep as the one i've made to liza, it's not that easy to just forget about it. i mean, as long as i can keep myself semi-occupied, i don't think about it too much, but i could be reading or doing math and then just wonder what liza's doing at that moment. and once i think about that, the ball just keeps rolling, and it's hard to stop.

i hate the fact that i get so ridiculously attached to the people that matter the most to me. I know they need space, but i need them.

Feeling:missing her
Song:poparatzi~musiq soulchild

this song just came up in winamp, and it said how i felt:

Picture me
Down and out, lost without you
Picture me
Broken hearted
And so lost and lonely

Feeling:elation and anger
Song:what you are~audioslave

it took me all 12 of my tries to get the last physics problem right, but i got it. Physics can suck my brown dick.

Feeling:unsure
Song:away from the sun~3 doors down

home for the weekend, and it's a good thing. i was getting tired of doin the same ol at state, which was mostly putting up with drunks and realizing how sad my life has become. at least now i get realize how sad my life is and hang out with my only true friends, so i guess that's a plus.

everyday now i've been seeing fuckin jason master and his girlfriend in the damn cafeteria, and it always seems like he's rubbing the fact that he has a gf in my face. plus, i'm probably jealous that he can kiss her before he goes off to class, whereas i have to dream about kissing liza. i hate to say it, but i'm slowly starting to forget her, and i don't want to. i kiss her picture at least 5 days out of the week, but that doesn't do me justice. i really don't know how she's coping with all this, but if i could guess, i'd say just fine. i emailed her earlier this week and still haven't gotten a reply. now, she could be busy, and i guess i worry a bit too much, but sometimes i just need a little reassurance, be it a little text message or a small email just saying hi back.

i saw a commercial for the sarah mclachlan afterglow tour, which is coming to the Palace, and i thought about liza for the next 4 hours. what the hell is wrong with me?

Feeling:a little lonely
Song:i can't wait~sleepy brown f/ outkast

today was like any other thursday. i went to my ME lab, finished the project, then went over to josh's, had dinner, and went to physics. The only different thing is that I'm starting to feel like me and Liza are drifting apart, mostly because we haven't talked as much. every night i'm online, and every night i find myself glancing at the screen every 15 seconds to see if she's signed on. oh yeah, that's right, i shouldn't have to because i have an alert for when she signs on. yet i still find myself sneaking sideways glances at the screen. i hate this feeling i have that we're drifting apart, and worst of all, there's really nothing i can do about it. we said we'd distance ourselves a bit, but i didn't realize it would hit me this hard. i don't know how i'm going to make til at least june, when i see her again. it seems so damn far away.

on a better note, i'm going home this weekend to celebrate my parents' 21st anniversary on friday night, then to hang out with andy and kyle on saturday night. I miss hanging out with them because, aside from josh, they're the only other 2 people i consider real, actual friends. it's 130 now, and i am in no mood to sleep, even though i do have a 10am class tomorrow and amy might be stopping by before then. whatever, i can deal. good night all.

Feeling:energetic
Song:down bottom~ruff ryders

ok, i set a goal for myself to go to bed by 1230 so i could be asleep by 1. i want to stay awake in ISS tomorrow morning, because we have a test coming up. i don't know exactly when, but it's gotta be coming up.

today was supposed to be a pretty bad day class wise, but it actually wasn't that bad. Alright, so i fell asleep in my ME 180 lecture. But it was so boring, and as i later learned in the lab, i shouldn't even have gone. the calc quiz was, for the third time in a row, really easy. the test is next tuesday, but i'm not too worried about it. yesterday i signed up to take the makeup physics exam at 6pm since i had my ME lab from 3-5, and the test started at 4:30. i ended up finishing the lab at 4, so i just went over to the physics building and studied for close to the 2 hours before the test.

The test ended up not being so bad, with the exception of one problem, but i'll take it. i hung out at josh's after for a little bit and had dinner, then came back to the room and played madden to wind down from studying all day. i deserved it.

Even though i talked to liza on saturday (online), it still feels like i've gone much longer than three days. I'm trying not to think about her as much, but then i think about not trying to think about her, and it makes me think about her more. and the last thing i want to do is keep talking about her, because i'm sure the people around me are getting tired of hearing about her, and it does nothing to help my mind either.

i need some sleep. peace.

Feeling:stupid
Song:baker street~foo fighters

Me and josh emailed Rick to see if we could work at the church this summer, even though we knew it would be a longshot. we finally got an email back today, and the answer was no. it's terrible because that was a great job, we had so much fun there. now i'm not sure what i'm going to do for a summer job. Dad said he was going to try to get one for me at Chrysler, but i don't think i'd like dealing with driving 2 hours roundtrip, even though it would be cool saying i work at chrysler HQ.

plus, it would be great getting a job working with josh or kyle or andy, or better yet, all of them. But then, that wouldn't be a job, that would be hanging out. wouldn't that be amazing? hopefully this summer will be fun and profitable.

Feeling:depressed
Song:4 white stallions~counting crows

even though it was superbowl sunday, the day was pretty uneventful. i watched most of the game by myself, well, will was in the room but doesn't seem to have any interest in sports whatsoever. so that kinda sucks most of the fun out of the game right there.

this week is going to suck, but every week does. Not all my classes are bad, it's just the one ISS class, the one that's from 8-10 every monday and wednesday morning. it's terribly terribly boring, and i can't even stay awake at that hour. Math is alright, thanks to Professor Tupan, whose animated movements make it easy to pay attention. He's better than last semester at least. Physics sucks cuz it's in the evening, and i miss out on having dinner with, with, myself i guess, for the most part. a couple times a week i'll go over to holden and eat with josh, but sometimes i don't even feel like it, just because it's more movement, and i just use that time to worry about what's coming up the next day.

i tried studying for physics after the game, but ended up thinking about liza for a half hour. it's hard for me not to think about her, and i don't know how i'm going to be able to stop long enough to focus for more than an hour. earlier today, while me and josh were going to lunch, i saw Erin van Dusen, this girl from our high school. I guess you could say we were friends, we were in one class together. Apparently she goes to state, but i had never seen her around before. she came up to me with an arm outstretched, like she was going to give me a low five or something, but it became a hug, which felt weird to say the least. I mean, it was nice seeing her and all, because she was really nice in high school (and still is), but all i could think about is how i wished i were hugging Liza instead.

And then Michelle decided to talk to me online today, which caught me off guard. the only other time she had ever im'ed me was when she was drunk, so it was a bit strange getting a message from her. I had her deleted from my buddy list cuz i never talked to her. we just talked about chemistry, and how her first test is tomorrow, so i just wished her luck and told her she'd do fine. she replied by saying that i was "calming." sometimes i wonder if i am a little too laid back, and if that's the reason i don't do as well as i obviously can. it's just that there is no immediate motivation for me, nothing to make me want to excel above and beyond everyone. And for the most part, i've come to realize that most of the people that go to school here are drunks and asses who don't seem to take school seriously at all. i did say most, there are quite a few people who party and still manage to get good grades, and i respect that. i'm just rambling now. good nite.