New Year, Same Thoughts

liza and i talked online for an hour or so while the rest of my family watched "simone." what i thought was weird was that i was just gonna spend the rest of the nite up in my room reading stephen king's "the dark tower," but for some reason i felt like going online, even though i didn't have to do anything whatsoever. and wouldn't you know it, a few minutes after i sign on, liza signs on. just another little sign that makes me believe that we're meant for each other.

i love her, i really do. and by love, i mean i'd do anything for her, and that's an exclusive group in my opinion. i love my family, josh, kyle, andy, and now liza. i would gladly take a bullet for any of those people, they mean that much to me. our relationship is unlike any other in that we said we loved each other a day after we said we were just going to stay friends until we were both in a position to start something serious and meaningful. if that meant waiting ten years, i would grab a comfortable seat and wait for the day. i don't even wanna meet any new girls at state-why would i want to? i have the perfect one waiting for me. josh is gonna be a little pissed, cuz i remember him saying, "well, at least this means we can both go and meet girls now once we're up at state." i just wearily nodded my head, knowing that i would never be able to meet any other girls.

for my sake and for my sanity, i hope these next few years go by fast and that i see liza a few more times. i'll always have pictures and her necklace, but sometimes the real thing is a hundred times better. the next time i will most likely see her will be in june, for andrew's first communion. i never was a big fan of all the little kids coming into the family (especially andrew), but now i am, because it seems that these events are the only time i get to see my love. june, six months away. that isn't so bad, as long as we keep talking until then, the six months will fly by like the time between october and christmas.

i know i keep talking about the necklace, but it's incredibly important to me. i will always wear it, regardless of what clothes i'm wearing. i treat it like a promise to her that i love her and always will, and would never do anything to change that. she is/was my first girlfriend, and her gifts to me were the most thoughtful gifts i've ever received. i kinda felt bad givin her the generic stuff like an ellen degeneres dvd and a book of cezanne's art. at least it seemed generic compared to what she got me. hopefully there'll be more chances for me to correct this.

well that's enough from me, these past few days have been ridiculous. Happy New Year & stay safe.

it's the way she makes me feel
it's the only thing that's real
it's the way she understands
she's my lover she's my friend
when i look into her eyes
it's the way i feel inside
like the man i wanna be
she's all i'll ever need

115am 123103

liza called me at 130. i stepped outside because i knew my parents were going to be wonderin who i was talking to. she told me that she read the past couple entries, and that she cried about it. that made me feel terrible, and tears started welling up in my eyes. that was the last thing i wanted to do to her. we talked for a little more than 15 minutes, and by the time we said bye, i felt a hundred times better.

we love each other. even as i type this i have a tear in my eye. we miss each other so much, and she told me that i was the sweetest guy in the world- now, i've been told that before, but this was the first time i heard it and knew she wasn't just putting up a front. she said that she would never want to see anything bad ever happen to me, and i had to lean against my window in my room (i moved upstairs once my mom yelled at me for being out in the cold) because i felt so relieved that she cared for me as much as i care for her.

the funny thing is that once i got off the phone, i went downstairs and was happy again for the first time since friday night. i'm sure the family noticed because all of a sudden i had energy, i was moving around, i went downstairs to work out and just overall felt better. i took a shower and shaved for the first time in three days (the shaving part, i shower every day). i just feel like a whole new person now. who knew a phone call could do so much.

i fell asleep last nite with the lizard liza gave me wrapped in my arms. i woke up around 9, and felt sad, but not as bad as yesterday. i don't know what to do anymore.

maybe it's sad, but she my motivation for getting thru school. for my parents? nope. For me? yeah, right. i did it for her because i thought we could be together, and now i'm not so sure. she's such a great girl, i worry because i all but know she's going to meet someone better than me, and that hurts even more.

031230 1214am

just got back from hangin out with andy, josh, kyle, and evan. that took my mind off all that happened today between me and liza, but my heart still hurts like no other. i signed onto AIM and stayed signed on, holding out any hope that liza would sign on, just so i could talk to her.

i found myself thinking a lot of things i had thought before i had even started going out with her. me and the guys talked about what we doing for new years, and i said i wanted to get wasted. what the hell was i thinking? that's depression for you, josh even said that it would make me feel better for a bit, but i know it would most likely sadden me even more. liza liked the fact that i didn't drink, and even though i did it more for myself, i did it for her too. now that we're aren't seeing each other anymore, i don't know what to think. i hate this feeling. i know i won't be able to drink come wednesday night, and it makes me feel terrible, but glad at the same time.

everything is quiet
since you're not around
and i live in the numbers now
in the background

and the necklace, the incredible necklace she gave me friday night. she made my heart melt that night, like nothing else mattered those 90 minutes we spent in the car. and now i wear this necklace to remember her, despite the fact that everytime i feel it around my neck, touch it, or look at it in the mirror, i hurt even more. i love all her gifts, they were perhaps the most thoughtful gifts anyone's ever gotten for me: the necklace she created just for me, the stuffed lizard that we talked so often about buying, and the trix cereal bowl, because i was her "silly rabbit." am i still her silly rabbit? i hope so, it actually meant a lot to me, even though i thought it was a little corny. i wonder if she feels as torn apart as i do.

the plans i made
still have you in them
cuz you come swimmin into view
and i'm hangin on your words
like i always used to do

even after paul had his talk with me, i still felt good about the relationship, even though what he said had a lot of truth to it, as much as i didn't want it to. i didn't think that at first, but now i do. i really like liza, so much that i was 75% sure she would be the girl i would marry. everything i like in a girl, she had it. i know it's hard to think that i met my ideal before i turned 19, but i did. does she feel the same? i sure as hell don't know.

when she told me what she thought earlier today, i was really calm- it didn't really hit me til after i got off the phone with her that we our relationship was pretty much done. she did say she really liked me, and that she wanted to stay friends and try again later, and that was a bit reassuring, but i still wonder: is she going to move on, meet other guys, have relationships with them, relationships that very well may sever whatever we might have? i am almost positive that i won't meet any other girls at state, and if i do, none will even hold a candle to liza. she isn't coming to michigan state for her spring break, so i probably won't see her til may, when we go to adrian's first communion in toronto. it's going to be weird, i know it. i can't believe i fell in love so early, which is why it hurts all the more.

josh did make me feel a little better when we were going to the mall today. he mentioned how two of his cousins met someone when they were younger, broke it off, then met a few years later and got married. i can only hope that i still have a chance a few years down the road, but there's a little part of me that keeps saying, you've lost it, you'll never have anything with her again. i get incredibly sad when i think that. i think my mom knows what's going on with me too, so i might just tell her what's been going on, not so much the physical part as much as the relationship stuff between myself and liza. it'll make me feel a bit better with my mom knowing, just because i need to get this heartache off my chest.

the words we used so lightly
i only feel for you
i only know because i
carry you around
in the background

*it really made me feel better knowing that her family liked me, that makes me feel like i have an outside chance of seeing her again, because even though we were an hour apart or less for 7 of the 79 days we were a couple, not a day went by where i didn't think about her. liza, if you're reading this, know that i would give anything to be with you again.

12:55 AM 12/30/2003

liza called me while i was in the car with my dad, so i told her to call me back when i was alone, in the store or something. she did, and we talked for a little bit. long story short, we're just going to be friends right now. i mean, i knew it was going to happen, because what paul said to me made a lot of sense, as much as i didn't want it to. i still felt terrible after getting off the phone with her, but i knew it would be for the better. i can only hope we don't grow apart, because i really like her, and being without her for the rest of my life would be something i wouldn't be able to deal with.

i feel so depressed right now, but for once it might actually turn out for the better. i hope so.

today just seemed like a really depressing day. From the time I woke up til now (1218am), I have felt nothing but sadness. Well, a little bit happiness when the lions won. It was a combination of things, but mostly because of liza being gone and me not being able to see her for another two months.

But about that now. When paul told me he just thought it would be better if me and liza were just friends, I felt like I had been shot. I couldn’t believe he was telling me to end a relationship which I thought was going great. I know I’m not going to do it, but I wonder about what liza’s gonna think when he tells her, if he tells her. So I guess I don’t really know if she’s going to come for her spring break, as much as I want her to Plus, I don’t think I made the biggest impression on her sister or mom. They were both really nice, but for some reason I felt like their thoughts of me weren’t going to be all too positive. I worry about that a little bit.

When I was at kenneth’s grandparents’ 50th anniversary party last nite, liza’s mom showed up, and I got excited, wondering if liza was going to come too. But then I found out that she, grace, and susan had gone to the mall. That made me a depressed, and for most of the party I felt like crap, like tired all of a sudden. I just spent time fiddling around with the necklace that liza gave me, the necklace that didn’t match anything I was wearing, the necklace I’ll always wear because it’s the only thing that makes me feel like she’s in my arms again. Oddly enough, the first time I went to touch the necklace, the phone rang-it was grace, but I knew it had to be liza. I made my way to the exit and talked to her for a little bit. She wondered what time I’d be getting out of there at, because she wanted to hang out some more, and so did I, but it was just so inconvenient. I would have had to drive an hour back home, get my car, then drive another hour to grace’s house in troy. I felt really bad, knowing that the girl I thought I had said bye to for another two months was only an hour away and I was stuck at this stupid party filled mostly with people I didn’t favor too much. It comforted me to hear her voice again, but when we said bye and I kissed her over the phone and she hung up before she could hear the kiss (I guess), that slight bit of happiness was replaced by a heavy heart, and I just walked back to my table and was pretty quiet the rest of the night.

The only times I wasn’t quiet was when I was talking to liza’s mom. I see so much of liza in her mom, and the other way around, so it was a bit more comforting seeing at least her there. One time she asked me how I liked her cookies, and I thought she said “how did you like my kids?” I said, “I really liked them,” and then she replied by calling me a liar- at first I was confused but then she added, “you never tried them.” Then I thought, oh great, now she thinks I’m a liar, in her eyes I’m not good enough for anyone, let alone her baby daughter. When we left the party, we just hugged and said goodbye, and that just solidified that I wouldn’t see any of them again for more than a while.

I woke up this morning, incredibly depressed, but still incredibly thankful that I was able to see liza for three days. I went to brush my teeth, and just stared at the necklace in the mirror, and just imagined I was back on the couch at jason’s house with her, just relaxing. I went downstairs around 1130, had my bowl of cereal and banana, and just sat around the house for a bit, tired, sad, and lonely. I played football outside with brian for a little bit, carrying my cell phone with me, just waiting to feel it vibrate, for any kind of text message from her, to let me know she was doing fine, or tat she missed me. The two times she’s been here I’ve always gone through extreme withdrawl, but it’s obviously for good reason. I came back in the house, went downstairs, and worked out, then went upstairs, did my situps, then jumped in the shower to try and clear my thoughts, but couldn’t. I mean, it’s now 1245am and I should be asleep, but by typing all this I feel a little better. What I would give just to see her face again.

We went to a few stores later in the day, and I text messaged her to see what she was up to, but never got a response. That was a little saddening. I was going to buy the finding nemo dvd because it reminded me of her, but decided not to for the very same reason.

I need to keep myself occupied so I don’t think of her too often, but it’s going to be really hard. I hope paul didn’t say anything that would change her mind. I’ve come to the realization that I need liza to keep myself sane. Without her I’m just a boring, shy guy with nothing better to do than type in his journal(s) all the time. But with her I’m all of that plus complete.

12.25-12.27

christmas came and went, but it was nice for the most part. all the family came, we watched tv, played foosball, ping pong, talked, whatever. I was surprised at how nice our house looked with so many people in it. the fireplace was going, the atmosphere was good, the only thing i didn't like was how all the women were standing in the kitchen all but screaming to each other. they didn't have to talk that loud. can't wait til the basement's finished.

but now onto the important stuff. as the evening went on, i started getting a little worried about when liza was going to be coming. 4:00 passed, then 5:00, then 6:00, then 7:00, and finally, around 8, they showed up. if i didn't care about making an ass out of myself, then i would have ran to the door, answered it, and given her the biggest hug i could've mustered. but no, i played it cool, just sat on the couch and waited for them to come in to the main area. i saw paul first, and i was a bit nervous about seein him, what with the whole i'm going out with his little sister thing. he just came and shook my hand, and gave me a little smile, like he was saying, "i know what you're up to, and i don't like it." i just breathed a sigh of relief, thinking, obstacle one is over, now for the rest of her family. the rest of the nite actually went alright, even though liza and i were both pretty shy toward one another. i made the first 'move' when i went and sat next to her while we were watching finding nemo (we both really liked that movie, which is why i stole it from my little cousin to watch it). the rest of the nite was pretty uneventful, and i said good nite to her with the rest of the family, not knowing if i would see her again before she left. jason (my favorite cousin, without a doubt, regardless of the trouble hes had in the past) gave me his cell number and told me to call him tomorrow since liza and her family were stayin at his house in rochester. he and jessica are the only other cousins to know about me and liza. my cousins nicki and steph (they're pretty immature) slept over, so i ended up falling asleep on the floor of the family room, just thinking about liza and wondering if i had missed my chance to even kiss her.

i woke up on the floor and instantly thought about liza. i needed to see her today, soon. i called jason from the library to see what their plans were for the day, and they said nothing, that i could come over whenever. i started planning in my mind how i would get away from the house, and went back home, told my parents i was going to josh's, then got into a fight with them about trust (a story for another day). i stormed out of the house, hung out with josh for a little bit, then printed out directions to and from jason's house. liza called me and asked when i was coming, and i told her i had to go home, take a shower, and get outta there. i went back home and my mom asked me if i was still planning on going to jasons. i said yes, and she told me to stop at nicki's to pick something up. so i had my ticket to go, and all i needed to do was take a shower and figure out a way to take liza's gifts from my room to the car without anyone seeing. after showering i changed, and then uncle charles came over. Yes! now everyone was distracted, so i snuck out the front door with the gifts, ran barefoot to the car, and put them in the trunk. i finally left the house and got more and more excited as i got closer to rochester. i ended up spending way too much time at nicki's, doing absolutely nothing, but i got to jason's around 5.

i felt a little awkward just walking in, because most everyone knew why i was there. we ended up watching malibu's most wanted for a couple hours, then made plans to go to clutch cargo's around 10. i didn't really wanna go, but i felt out of place as it was, so i just went along with it. i started wondering why i even came, but then liza came and sat next to me, like she knew what i was thinking. i felt really comforted when both of our feet were up on the ottoman, just lightly touching. the time came for us to leave, so jason and me and liza went in his car, first to pick up one of his friends. the guy reminded me of an indian old andy- a thug, said fuck every other word, and gave me and liza some laughs. we held hands for a little bit, which was really nice, i felt incredible during that time. when we got to the club, me and liza walked around for a bit before finding a couch to sit on. we pretty much spent the rest of the time on that couch talking, and kissing. i just liked being there with her, something so right about the two of us being together.

we got back around 130, and we still had to give each other our christmas gifts, so the two of us got in my car and drove up to the empty parking lot of the star theatre. i enjoyed her being in the car, because we were finally alone, just the two of us. the gifts she gave me were nothing short of amazing- the necklace she made, which i will wear every day, a small blue stuffed lizard that is just a placeholder until we get the real spike, and a trix cereal bowl, because i'm her silly rabbit. i loved every one of them, they were so thoughtful. then we went to the backseat and just spent an hour together. i was in heaven the whole time she was with me.

we got back and just got ready for sleep- she went to sleep with her mom, and i was in the family room with paul, which i knew wasn't gonna be good, cuz he was going to have a talk with me. he talked about himself for about an hour, and by the end i was fallin asleep, but then he said, "but i guess we should talk about liza now." he had to wake me up. so the short of it is he doesn't think we should "see" each other anymore, just stay good friends. i felt like (and still do) someone threw a brick right at my stomach, and then followed it up with a kick to the face. just terrible. i got back home a few hours ago, and i know my feelings are pretty obvious, i feel like shit. i wish i could just curl up in a corner of my basement and sleep for 3 years, until i can actually see her again. God, i miss her so much already. i can only hope she feels the same way.

what a merry christmas it was. i don't know where to start, it's been more than a week since i've done anything here.

the week leading up to christmas was pretty boring, just the same ol stuff, hangin out with josh and kyle- trevor actually called us to hang out, but then we realized he only did it cuz katie was on a cruise. that pissed me off a little bit.

as thursday got closer, i started gettin more and more anxious because liza and her family were coming. I was excited to see her but scared about what it was gonna be like when we saw each other. plus, the gifts i got for her were just sitting in my room, waiting to be discovered by wandering eyes, i.e. my brother's. fortunately that didn't happen, but on one of many occasions, he did grab my cell phone and go thru all the names in my list. now before, i had been able to grab it before he got to anything suspicous, but this time he got to "My Girl," which was liza of course. he asked me who it was, and i just said it was josh probably putting down a girl's number on my phone cuz he always did. close call.

ok now a new entry for what has happened these past couple of days.

alright so i'm feelin decently good today. me and liza talked for nearly 2 hours last nite, which was comforting, as always. but there was another scare, of course, by way of my immature brother. he got the mail, and one of the envelopes said "liza patterson, toronto." of course i knew he was just messing around, but then a part of me started wondering whether liza would've actually sent a card using a stupid alias. so then brian, for some odd reason, ran into the bathroom, and "read the card":

"justin, merry christmas, i can't wait to see you, xoxoxo"

i just thought, oh geez, what the hell is going on? why would he be saying stuff like that? then mom chipped in by saying, "brian, why are you so stupid, it isn't like she's his girlfriend or something." i bit my tongue at this point, and just didn't say anything. i seriously don't know where any of that came from. wow. read my other journal (link on the right) for the other, non-pants wetting happenings today.

i thought about liza a lot today. i thought about her when i woke up, how nice it would be if she were lying right next to me. i thought about herwhile i was shoveling the snow, thinking about how great i'd feel if we were just walking, holding hands, like that day we never found our way to the movie theater. i thought about her while i was stringing up christmas lights, imagining how it would be if i were showing her thru the house. i thought about her while i was watching tv, wishing she were curled up next to me. i thought about her when i heard a sarah mclachlan song on tv, and that made me wish i could talk to her at that moment.

but enough of my being a hopeless romantic. today was yet another boring day. woke up around 1030, lazed about for a couple hours, then cleaned some of the basement, shoveled the snow out of the driveway, and before i knew it, everyone was home and i was sorta depressed again. i guess it's cuz at state i was free to do whatever whenever, but here everyone's always asking me to do something when i don't want to.

i need to get out of the house tomorrow.

i don't even know why i opened this up. i don't feel like typing anymore.

i carry my cell with me everywhere now, cuz my brother is always tryin to see whose phone numbers are in it, what notes i have, my text messages, blah blah. he came in my room this morning cuz my uncle robert wanted to talk to me, and he ended up finding one of the gifts i got for liza, and i was like, "i won that at a gamenite." i dunno. then he saw the cd wallet, also liza's, and asked, "whose is this?" i just ignored him and told him to get the hell outta the room, i was still sleeping.

everytime i leave the cell out in the open, there's always a chance he'll grab it and try lookin at whatever i have on there, i don't know what his problem is. he saw my phone list, and amy and andrea were at the top, and he acted like a 3 year old: "ooh, who are they?" i wanted to punch him in the face. i'm done.

bein home is kinda boring, but a very welcome change from the stressed week of finals and classes. but there is one thing, and it's already gotten on my nerves like no other.

last nite i told my mom that me josh and kyle were probably gonna go to the mall today, and she replied with a "don't be a party animal." What the hell, can anyone explain this? She doesn't expect me to just sit in the house all day does she? I'm used to a much higher level of freedom at state, but still, i expect to have some here too. geez, one of these days i'm just gonna burst at her.

today was me and liza's 2 month anniversary, only 2 more weeks til she comes, i'm gettin happier by the minute. I want to go to mayflower tomorrow and see if they have any extra stratus parts lyin around, cuz i need to keep myself entertained with all this spare time on my hands. hopefully my nazi of a mom will let me go. Geez, i'm almost 19 and she has to give me permission. Fuck that.

i dunno what else to say really.

finals-over. Chem wasn't so hard today, i don't know what else to say. I'm pretty sure i got more right than wrong, i'll just put it that way. american lit was cool today, all we did was watch dark angel and talk. I got home around 7:30, all the while it was raining, depressing, and gloomy. I slept some of the way home.

home for a month, i dunno what that's gonna be like. at least liza's coming for christmas, i'll be so glad just to see her face again. and i got an early christmas gift (hopefully) in the form of new fog lights for my car, i'm excited about them, they're really nice. i'll write some more tomorrow.

and another thing, the stupid shout box on the right sucks, so i'm takin it out.

I hate finals with a passion- even though i only have 2, and math was today, i've been studyin like crazy for chem, as much as i have ever studied, and i don't like it one bit. I hate the fact that we're required to take all these classes that don't have anything to do with the major we're paying to get from this damn university. I need to get outta here, it's gonna come true in about 16 hours. Can't wait.

I'll say it- thanksgiving sucked, without a doubt. I would've preferred staying here at state over spending time with the family. Is that bad? I really don't care, it's the truth. i was so bored, especially on thursday. the only good thing was that the lions won, and during the party me and liza just text messaged each other. That was great, every message from her brought a smile to my face. Me, josh, andy, kyle and casey went and saw "elf" saturday nite, funny movie. Then after, i almost ran over casey with the stratus, and he freaked out like no other. The expression on his face and the way he ran was priceless. We laughed for a good fifteen minutes about that. Today was just tiring and boring, me and josh both fell asleep on the drive up to state. now it's 1:30 and i need to go to sleep, but i don't feel like it at all. I called liza and talked to her for about an hour and a half, and the whole time i felt more comfortable than anything could've made me. It's just so nice hearing her voice, and i close my eyes and pretend she's sitting right next to me on the couch. I can't wait til christmas, just so i can see her again. ok, i'm ready to pass out, i'll most likely type some more in here tomorrow, at least more in detail stuff about this absolutely shitty thanksgiving break.