031230 1214am
just got back from hangin out with andy, josh, kyle, and evan. that took my mind off all that happened today between me and liza, but my heart still hurts like no other. i signed onto AIM and stayed signed on, holding out any hope that liza would sign on, just so i could talk to her.
i found myself thinking a lot of things i had thought before i had even started going out with her. me and the guys talked about what we doing for new years, and i said i wanted to get wasted. what the hell was i thinking? that's depression for you, josh even said that it would make me feel better for a bit, but i know it would most likely sadden me even more. liza liked the fact that i didn't drink, and even though i did it more for myself, i did it for her too. now that we're aren't seeing each other anymore, i don't know what to think. i hate this feeling. i know i won't be able to drink come wednesday night, and it makes me feel terrible, but glad at the same time.
everything is quiet
since you're not around
and i live in the numbers now
in the background
and the necklace, the incredible necklace she gave me friday night. she made my heart melt that night, like nothing else mattered those 90 minutes we spent in the car. and now i wear this necklace to remember her, despite the fact that everytime i feel it around my neck, touch it, or look at it in the mirror, i hurt even more. i love all her gifts, they were perhaps the most thoughtful gifts anyone's ever gotten for me: the necklace she created just for me, the stuffed lizard that we talked so often about buying, and the trix cereal bowl, because i was her "silly rabbit." am i still her silly rabbit? i hope so, it actually meant a lot to me, even though i thought it was a little corny. i wonder if she feels as torn apart as i do.
the plans i made
still have you in them
cuz you come swimmin into view
and i'm hangin on your words
like i always used to do
even after paul had his talk with me, i still felt good about the relationship, even though what he said had a lot of truth to it, as much as i didn't want it to. i didn't think that at first, but now i do. i really like liza, so much that i was 75% sure she would be the girl i would marry. everything i like in a girl, she had it. i know it's hard to think that i met my ideal before i turned 19, but i did. does she feel the same? i sure as hell don't know.
when she told me what she thought earlier today, i was really calm- it didn't really hit me til after i got off the phone with her that we our relationship was pretty much done. she did say she really liked me, and that she wanted to stay friends and try again later, and that was a bit reassuring, but i still wonder: is she going to move on, meet other guys, have relationships with them, relationships that very well may sever whatever we might have? i am almost positive that i won't meet any other girls at state, and if i do, none will even hold a candle to liza. she isn't coming to michigan state for her spring break, so i probably won't see her til may, when we go to adrian's first communion in toronto. it's going to be weird, i know it. i can't believe i fell in love so early, which is why it hurts all the more.
josh did make me feel a little better when we were going to the mall today. he mentioned how two of his cousins met someone when they were younger, broke it off, then met a few years later and got married. i can only hope that i still have a chance a few years down the road, but there's a little part of me that keeps saying, you've lost it, you'll never have anything with her again. i get incredibly sad when i think that. i think my mom knows what's going on with me too, so i might just tell her what's been going on, not so much the physical part as much as the relationship stuff between myself and liza. it'll make me feel a bit better with my mom knowing, just because i need to get this heartache off my chest.
the words we used so lightly
i only feel for you
i only know because i
carry you around
in the background
*it really made me feel better knowing that her family liked me, that makes me feel like i have an outside chance of seeing her again, because even though we were an hour apart or less for 7 of the 79 days we were a couple, not a day went by where i didn't think about her. liza, if you're reading this, know that i would give anything to be with you again.
12:55 AM 12/30/2003
just got back from hangin out with andy, josh, kyle, and evan. that took my mind off all that happened today between me and liza, but my heart still hurts like no other. i signed onto AIM and stayed signed on, holding out any hope that liza would sign on, just so i could talk to her.
i found myself thinking a lot of things i had thought before i had even started going out with her. me and the guys talked about what we doing for new years, and i said i wanted to get wasted. what the hell was i thinking? that's depression for you, josh even said that it would make me feel better for a bit, but i know it would most likely sadden me even more. liza liked the fact that i didn't drink, and even though i did it more for myself, i did it for her too. now that we're aren't seeing each other anymore, i don't know what to think. i hate this feeling. i know i won't be able to drink come wednesday night, and it makes me feel terrible, but glad at the same time.
everything is quiet
since you're not around
and i live in the numbers now
in the background
and the necklace, the incredible necklace she gave me friday night. she made my heart melt that night, like nothing else mattered those 90 minutes we spent in the car. and now i wear this necklace to remember her, despite the fact that everytime i feel it around my neck, touch it, or look at it in the mirror, i hurt even more. i love all her gifts, they were perhaps the most thoughtful gifts anyone's ever gotten for me: the necklace she created just for me, the stuffed lizard that we talked so often about buying, and the trix cereal bowl, because i was her "silly rabbit." am i still her silly rabbit? i hope so, it actually meant a lot to me, even though i thought it was a little corny. i wonder if she feels as torn apart as i do.
the plans i made
still have you in them
cuz you come swimmin into view
and i'm hangin on your words
like i always used to do
even after paul had his talk with me, i still felt good about the relationship, even though what he said had a lot of truth to it, as much as i didn't want it to. i didn't think that at first, but now i do. i really like liza, so much that i was 75% sure she would be the girl i would marry. everything i like in a girl, she had it. i know it's hard to think that i met my ideal before i turned 19, but i did. does she feel the same? i sure as hell don't know.
when she told me what she thought earlier today, i was really calm- it didn't really hit me til after i got off the phone with her that we our relationship was pretty much done. she did say she really liked me, and that she wanted to stay friends and try again later, and that was a bit reassuring, but i still wonder: is she going to move on, meet other guys, have relationships with them, relationships that very well may sever whatever we might have? i am almost positive that i won't meet any other girls at state, and if i do, none will even hold a candle to liza. she isn't coming to michigan state for her spring break, so i probably won't see her til may, when we go to adrian's first communion in toronto. it's going to be weird, i know it. i can't believe i fell in love so early, which is why it hurts all the more.
josh did make me feel a little better when we were going to the mall today. he mentioned how two of his cousins met someone when they were younger, broke it off, then met a few years later and got married. i can only hope that i still have a chance a few years down the road, but there's a little part of me that keeps saying, you've lost it, you'll never have anything with her again. i get incredibly sad when i think that. i think my mom knows what's going on with me too, so i might just tell her what's been going on, not so much the physical part as much as the relationship stuff between myself and liza. it'll make me feel a bit better with my mom knowing, just because i need to get this heartache off my chest.
the words we used so lightly
i only feel for you
i only know because i
carry you around
in the background
*it really made me feel better knowing that her family liked me, that makes me feel like i have an outside chance of seeing her again, because even though we were an hour apart or less for 7 of the 79 days we were a couple, not a day went by where i didn't think about her. liza, if you're reading this, know that i would give anything to be with you again.
12:55 AM 12/30/2003
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