Mood:worried
Song:silence

i cried in the shower this morning. i had to have been in there for like 20 minutes. just the thought of what had happened last nite brought tears to my eyes. and then i let down my defense and just cried like a little kid who bumped his knee.

i hate this feeling, and there's nothing i can do to change it. something has to be done. this whole situation does nothing but complicate the future liza and i could have together. and now i'm not even sure she wants that. that makes me want to cry just saying that.

i didn't fall asleep until around 3 at least, and even then i spent the rest of the nite tossing and turning. i was never comfortable. i had a dream where i was sitting on a couch, and there was a girl sitting in my lap, and i had my arms around her stomach. it wasn't liza, because she was flabby in the stomach. i woke up in a cold sweat after that and spent another hour just worrying, thinking, "if this doesn't work out, i don't think i'm going to be able to make it through this semester."

i woke up 45 minutes earlier than i was supposed to. i went to brush my teeth, and just stared in the mirror at the necklace. a thought actually went through my head telling me to take it off. i just shuddered at that, this necklace has become a part of me. i wore it in the shower because i was fearful that if i took it off for those ten minutes, that would be when i'd lose her, that would be when i'd go back to my room and there'd be a voicemail saying "we're done." i can't deal with that, liza, and her family, have become too important to me. she said that she wasn't good enough for me. i'm definitely nothing to write home about, and her saying that makes me feel insecure about her feelings toward me. it's bad enough i said "i love you" like a gazillion times yesterday and i got absolutely nothing in return, but now i have to deal with insecurity.

thank God i have just one class today. i don't feel like doing anything ever again.