Feeling:honestly? kinda sad
Song:ride~the vines

well, wednesday night i did the unthinkable, what i thought i would never be capable of doing. i told someone off, was brutally honest with them, and now i don't know how to feel. most of me felt really bad. i mean, really bad. i actually knelt down and prayed to God that i was still a good person, that doing what i did didn't warrant a trip to hell. i overreacted, maybe. doesn't change the fact that i hurt their feelings when they've never done anything to me. that's what makes it even worse. i don't know.

liza and i talked last nite, and part of the conversation was about hooking up with just a random person. it pretty much came down to the realization that i will never be able to just have a little fling with someone, be it just a kiss or spending the night. it's not me. i have no respect for the guys that do that kind of stuff, or the girls that let them. or vice versa for all it matters. also, the more i talk to liza, the more i realize i truly do love her, especially after the fact that josh said i should cut down on talking to her seeing as how we're just friends and shouldn't talk as much as we do. i now know that that's humanly impossible for me to do. i couldn't imagine telling liza to stop calling me so often. it'd be like telling...i'm at a loss for words. you know what i mean.

i think i need to go play basketball now.

Feeling:tired as all hell
Song:she's all i got~jimmy cozier

i was at the engineering building from 9:30 to 2:00 tonight. it sucked. i'm tired, my ankle is still swollen, and i'm stressed. pretty much the only good thing that came out of it were a couple phone calls i got, one from liza and the other from michelle. liza wanted to talk for a while, but i was just too busy with the project to have a meaningful conversation with her, as much as i would've loved to. i thought i'd be done by 1130, but boy, was i wrong. hopefully i'll get to talk to her tomorrow. we don't even have to talk about anything meaningful, it's just amazing the feeling i get knowing she's on the other end of the line, just hearing her voice. i'm pathetic.

michelle called just to see if i was still stressed, if i was feeling better. i was feeling better, not by much, but better. it was nice of her to call, regardless of how inebriated she was. i did feel bad for acting differently towards her, even though josh didn't think i was, and he didn't think it was a big deal even if i was. ok well i'm done, good nite.

***DISCLAIMER***what is read here stays here. simple as that.

Feeling:mad/depressed/bothered
Song:losing my religion~R.E.M

wow, one month later. quite a bit has happened, and i wish i could say it was for the better, but honestly, i really don't know. Liza got a new home calling plan that lets her make unlimited calls to North America, which means i get to talk to her more often. Always a plus. but at the same time, talking more often means having less to talk about, and lately i've just been in kind of a bad mood for more than a few reasons:

1) not hearing "i love you" - stupid, maybe. i very well may be just a little girl, but hearing liza say those 3 little words, at any time, just makes my day, week, month, that much better. but lately it's been me just saying i love you, and her either saying something like "you don't mean it" or just ignoring it. maybe it's just my stupid insecurities that make me feel like she's slipping through my fingers, and that i might lose her. if she had any idea how much she meant to me, how very very often i thought i about her, she would either be scared to talk to me again, or realize how important she is. lately, every nite we've ended our phone conversations it's just been a cordial "good night, talk to you soon." and then when i hang up the phone, i scream inside because i really wanted to say "i love you. i love you with all my heart and i can't imagine life without you."

2) i rolled my ankle really bad yesterday playing football. and it just so happens that it's getting really nice outside, and i was going to be working out at the track for the next few days, and now i can't. it's swollen to more than the size of a golf ball. i need to get a brace. it really shouldn't put me in that bad a mood, but for some reason it has. i guess it's just the fact that it adds to everything else that has happened.

3) the end of the semester is coming up, and i'm getting worried about what my gpa is going to be. I hate ISS 210 with a passion, it's a terrible class and even worse, the grade is based on 2 tests and a final, and i got a 74 on the first test, which translates to a 2.0. dammit.

4) this one doesn't have anything to do with me, but it still bothers me, and..well i guess it does have to do with me. kyle told andy the other day that he never thought of andy as a friend. i think it hurt me more than andy that he said that. what a bastard. and honestly, i'm debating whether or not i was ever a fan of kyle's. he's said some pretty bad stuff about me, and he always seems to be bitter whenever me, josh, or andy encounter whatever little good fortune comes our way. if he was really a friend he'd be happy for us and not disappointed.

5) oh, and i'm sick. i have a runny nose, cough, scratchy throat, and for some reason my face is breaking out in a couple spots again. stress? maybe. liza? probably. Thank God it's only the most gorgeous outside it's been in a long while, and i fee like total shit now. just wonderful.

that's all i can think of right now.