So I'm watching Big Fish with the parents, and my phone vibrates- somehow I have a voice message but didn't get a call from anyone. Thanks AT&T, I really appreciate it. Even before I pull the phone out of my pocket, I knew it was Liza. I just knew it. I listened to the voice mail, then went outside to get my books from the car, and called her from there.

It just so turns out she's going to be in Michigan for the whole week. My eyebrows jumped at hearing this, I was incredibly happy all over again. Instantly I started planning in my mind how I'd be able to go see her. Let's see, she's in Troy, an hour away I could see her after work if she met me somewhere near there we could go see a movie or grab a bite to eat something anything I need to see her I miss her. My mind was racing, pouring over the endless possibilities I was coming up with it. I know I'll see her on Saturday for sure, but at a family party. I need to see her in a more intimate setting, someplace where I can just look in her eyes and tell her how much I've missed her, without worrying about whose eyes are looking in my direction. I can only hope this week works out to my favor.

damn damn damn

Feeling:sad
Song:the drugs don't work~the verve

***cliché alert*** seeing liza today was a breath of fresh air. it's a damn shame that the breath only last a couple hours. my parents ate dinner fast and before i knew it i was driving down 275 south, headed back home, angry out of my mind that i couldn't see her anymore. i even thought in my mind that i could drive back to troy, but being an hour long drive and tired as hell already and not sure of the directions, i couldn't. i wish i could've at least given her the earrings, but i didn't have any time to finish dinner, much less do that- i ended up giving it to jason, but god knows if he did it in front of paul or anyone else, like the jackass he is. i miss her so much already. i didn't even get to say i love you. i left by saying good nite, that was it. how depressing. my dad's a bastard, and yes it's now father's day. i never thought he would be the one to shut me down, i always thought it would be mom, but alas, mom tried to help me out a bit, she's the one that wanted to know more about liza, the one that likes liza a lot.

i'm going to that wedding in toronto, even if i can't see her, at least i'll be in the same area as her. i can at least hope we'll hang out. that would be amazing. it'd make me just happy beyond sin.

yeah, i know

ok i just realized something- all this frustration couldn't possibly be from tonite, from liza calling me a drama queen, there's gotta be more. i think it's mostly my parents trying to shut me down and keep me their little boy forever. my mom keeps telling me to study, work hard, and pray, so often that it's making no sense to me anymore. dad doesn't want me to have anything to do with girls right now, period. i cant believe that. and there's yet another issue. my dad and i will never have the relationship that other sons have with their fathers. playing baseball, talking about girls, working with each other, just talking. i can't remember the last time my dad and i actually talked heart to heart, it's always been him scolding me if anything.

of course, i'm lucky to have a father, and i know a lot of people are much worse off than me, but i haven't experienced that so this is my worst. i just wish me and him had a more regular relationship than we do now.

drama queen

Feeling:angry/sad/angry/depressed/angry

go figure, the nite i'm really angry and my laptop freezes up, so now i'm typing on the cell phone and will post this later. i was tired, but now i'm wide awake. my heart and mind are heavy, all because of how we ended tonite. i hate this feeling- if there were a punching bag in front of me, i'd demolish it and still be angry. i'm even debating whether or not i even wanna go to the party on saturday. can you tell how angry i am? i'm so angry i'd give up seeing the girl of my dreams. if we get this resolved before saturday, i i still won't be myself. i'm just gonna stay quiet the whole time, just be respectful and stay away from the little kids. i need to try and sleep.

whoops

i forgot what i really wanted to say. i know it's obviously not true, but i can't help but feel like liza's using me to get these earrings she wants. i mean, they're not even that expensive, but seeing as how she talks to me about the earrings and then hasn't talked to me since makes me feel a little odd. i needed to get that off my chest.

do i deserve this?

Feeling:wish i knew
Song:not enough~our lady peace

yeah yeah, i'm sure i'm makin a big deal out of nothing. liza said she'd call on saturday, but didn't. so she's busy, whatever, she could've at least emailed/called or done something to let me know. i think my problem is i care too much. i need to be more laid back and stop wondering if liza's thinking about me when i'm thinking about her. i'm too sensitive, so it's time to toughen up. if she doesn't feel like talking for one reason or another, then that's fine. i don't need to talk.

i'm supposed to see her at andrew's first communion party this saturday, but the longer i go without talking to her, the more i really don't feel like going. i won't be able to have as much freedom as i had in toronto since my parents and brother will be there. as much as i love her, i've gotta distance myself from her, otherwise it'll be a difficult next 3 years.

ha. ha.

Feeling:pretty damn fine
Song:ghettomusick~outkast

so yeah, that grad party was ridiculously boring. jenny still doesn't know my name. i didn't feel like i belonged at the restaurant last nite. bought some dress shirts today, very nice. snl was funny. i wanna take pictures of random stuff. i think i found some earrings. good nite.

damn

Feeling:hot
Song:it's really hot

so muggy, so hot. why so hot? i'm kinda agitated, on account of it being hot. i don't even know why i'm writing in this journal, i'm done with freshman year. time to start a new one? maybe. one things's for sure, it's hot. capital H-O-T hot.

I'm In A Picture Taking Mood

one of the best pics my brother's taken. in my opinion.